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Me, glorious ME!

Published by Kelly July 18th, 2008 in For Kicks and Giggles and Kellyisms. 33 Comments

Seeing as I have the think tank the size of a gnat lately….I just can’t come up with any topics. I know it is a common blogging practice to write 100 things about yourself. I honestly don’t know if i can up with 100 titillating (oh man….love that word…WINK!) things about myself. But if you really do want to know because you are writing a book or regularly stalk me and my family…well here you go.

1. I am a horrible speller. A world without spell check would be disastrous. Like my first sentence in this post where I spelled gnat with a “k” instead of a “g”. Yes, I am THAT bad! Michigan education failed me!
2. I am massively computer illiterate. I was on the cusp of the computer being madatory for college….like you might have been required to have one internet source for a research paper….I never really learned and I am a total technology mooch off my husband.
3. I am a trend whore, ( although I will never, EVER pull off skinny jeans and I am not stupid enough to try) I get bored so easily and always want the next fashion. Thank God for Target and TJ Maxx…I can make a cheap version of most things.
4. Decorating makes me very very happy
5. I care much more about E News than CNN News.
6. I have five tattoos. You can imagine how happy that makes my parents. Only one is visible to the public on my left foot. It says “He leadeth me”. My stomach has a butterfly (how cliche) with the Greek word for “redeemed”, my back was three sittings and has vines and flowers and a Christian fish with the Hebrew word “righteous” and my left ribs have a sun thing with the sign of the trinity in it.

7. I only regret my rib and back tattoo.
8. I actually used to love my stomach (pre babies…dang babies…DANG DANG babies.) It was the one area on my body genetically small and easy to maintain.( I know…don’t hate me) Go one inch below and it is a different story. I miss it…..a lot.

9. I always wished I was 3 inches taller. I am 5′2″…but 5′5″ seems easier to buy clothes.

10. I love doing Chloe’s hair and I am secretly way more excited than her to play dress up and Barbies….I can’t wait till she is old enough
11. I lived 9 years in Michigan, 9 years in New York and 14 in Virginia, but will always consider myself a northerner even though you couldn’t pay me to move North again.
12. I don’t enjoy breastfeeding AT ALL…but I know it is best for my babies and isn’t forever.
13. I have traveled to Czech Republic, Germany, Austria, Kyrgystan, Kazahkstan, Turkey, Northern Cyprus, Southern Cyprus, Mexico, Venezuala,Dominican Republic, Pureto Rico, and of course Canada. Love me some Canadians…you guys are some faithful readers.
14. I would love to be paid to travel and write travel guides on the best places to go, eat, and be entertained. Anyone, anyone…want to fund this dream?
15. I do crack myself up and think I am darn funny. (Does that sound conceited? I hope not)
16. Blogging was an obsession the first year, after I let it go…my site grew!
17. I love my hair and I am sad I cut it…VERY VERY sad. It will be a long year growing it out.

18. I cry when I watch Extreme Home Make Over. Really anytime someone is down and out or has a disability and something awesome happens to them. It makes my heart so happy.
19. I think people with Down Syndrome are adorable.
20. My favorite color is green…but orange and red make me very happy.
21. I have spinal degeneration so I have not slept a whole night through since I was 20 years old…that is 12 years of getting up all night long to adjust or pee. I miss sleep and wish it wasn’t so hard for me.
22. I hated going to bars. I felt dirty and desperate. I would much rather stay home.
23. I find guys more fun to be around than girls….I think it was because I only had a brother who was fun and funny to be around. Girls are too catty and serious most of the time. LIGHTEN UP!!!!!
24. I get a little rush of excitement when I splurge on a People or US magazine.
25. I have over 100 pairs of shoes. But I haven’t hardly bought any new ones since having children.
26. I am not into real jewelry.(minus my wedding ring) I would rather have Gadzooks plastic jewelry anytime.
27. I have a hard time receiving gifts.
28. I am a horrible gift giver…I can NEVER think of something someone would want when it is their birthday.
29. I think my husband is sexy when he throws a baseball or football.
30. I wish my ankles were smaller
31. I am a boy when it comes to movie taste. My favorite movie is “Braveheart” followed by Gladiator and Saving Private Ryan.
32. I wish I could learn how to dance like they do on So You Think You Can Dance. I should have stuck to dancing and not gymnastics.

33. I know nothing about car brands. I say, “the red car” or the “big black truck”. Doesn’t interest me. I would be horrible guessing prices on the Prices Is Right for vehicles.
34. I am very discerning about people and can figure out the real “issues” immediately, especially when it comes to their past and their relationships.
35. Most people don’t want to hear the truth, so I have to keep my mouth shut or it gets me in trouble.
36. I am easily annoyed but almost impossible to offend

37. I am very good at impersonating people, horrible at accents, wonderful at writing stories, terrible at telling stories or jokes.
38. I give too many details when I talk.
39. My favorite number is 11
40. I am still insecure when I think about my high school years.
41. I love to read and miss having time to devour a good book
42. I love doing photography with my husband.
43. I sleep with a body pillow every night that has a brown pillow case and we call it my “Poop pillow” or my “Turd”. That word is hilarious. Turd Ferguson anyone….anyone?
44. Josh Lucas is my Hollywood crush.
45. These were my favorite jeans of all time before I ripped the crap out of them stepping off a ladder. RIP jeans.

46. The only veggie I can’t stomach is mushrooms…GAGGGGGGG!
47. I had salmonella poisoning and a parasite all at the same time.
48. i lost 32 pounds because my small intestine shut down
49. I was glad I got sick, it took off all of my college and depression weight and all I had to do was poop a lot! Not a bad gig.
50. I hate not having a tan.
51. This is a picture that Ryan took of me back in 2004 where he knew he wanted to date me.

52. This is one of my favorite pictures of Ryan and I. It makes me smile everytime I see it.

53. I did my own hair on my wedding day because the stylist screwed it up.
54. I want to write a book, but I don’t know about what
55. I love having a really really ridiculously tall husband (6′6″) and I still get amazed when he can touch things that are really high up. Never gets old.
56. I am fairly certain I could survive on the following foods: cheese puffs, cheese, cream cheese, chocolate, caramel, coffee, bacon, steak, mashed potatoes, ….can I go back to bacon. YUM!
57. I think Sandra Bullock could play me in a movie.
58. I wish Dwight Schrute was real and lived next door to me.
59. I have a hard time being serious in a photo.

60. If I could bottle Chloe’s laugh and Bennett’s chatter and sell it, I would be rich. It could melt an iceberg.
61. I sing out loud all day long. I love to sing. Let’s hope my children like my voice.
62. My fingernails are really strong and can grow really long
63. I wish I could experience living in different environments like a major city, internationally, on the ocean, in the mountains, and on a boat.
64. My heart comes alive when I am doing missions work. I love serving overseas.
65. Sarcasm is my middle name….or it should be. I don’t understand people who are literal.
66. I have a compulsion about the couch cushions. I straighten them a million times a day even if I am going to come right back and sit down on them. OCD maybe?
67. I love my daughters butt. It is so cute and bouncy…it makes me laugh when she runs.
68. I had two surgeries on my left calf to remove a massive birthmark. One when I was 7 the other half when I was 13. I have a 9 inch scar on my calf and part of my muscle was removed so it looks a little funky.
69. My favorite form of exercise is swimming.
70. J-Lo and I have something in common…but i just can’t put my finger on it.

71. There is not much I won’t share about myself or not say.
72. I like being silly, even at 32.
73. I have never been to a real music concert.
74. I wish I had the guts to try out for a musical
75. I wouldn’t know what to do with an IPhone
76. I think Chloe looks like me as a wee one

77. I LOVE being a mom and my kids are the shiznit, but some days are boring if I have to be honest. I am looking forward to them being a little bit older so we can do more.
78. Being a special ed teacher for children with autism was so hard and SO interesting.
79. The only poster I ever owned was of Kirk Cameron ( I am obviously a teen from the 80’s)
80. I always wonder how people describe me when I am not around. “You know Kelly, she is…..”
81. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to try new things
82. i want to sky dive
83. I hate my profile (My crescent moon face)
84. I love the smell of coffee, fresh bread, laundry detergent, peonies, and a good sale
85. I have a really really hard time with emotionally needy people, arrogant people and mean/inconsiderate people.
86. I suck at napping. I probably only take 10 naps a year. I wish I could turn my brain off to sleep during the day.
87. When I smile really big I show a lot of gum. I call it my “horse smile”
88. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which makes for some GREAT stories. Just not funny at the time.
89. I think farting is hilarious and can smoke Ryan out any day.
90. I find my kids to be incredibly cute, devilishly sweet and funny and the biggest blessing ever to happen to me
91. I have a husband that loves me no matter what. It blows my mind sometimes. He is awesome
92. My life is different than what I thought it would be and yet it is exactly as it should be.
93. I would love to know what people will say at my funeral someday
94. I know how to laugh at myself

95. I love Ryan’s legs…he has great calves.
96. I have a fear of drowning, being set on fire, or suffocated. Gives me the heebie geebies.
97. I consider myself to be really well rounded and able to talk to anyone from any walk of life.
98. I am a born sales woman.
99. I laugh A LOT! My crows feet are proof.

100. I was able to come up with 100 things you may have found boring, enlightening, interesting or egotistical. Nobody made you read! Care to leave five interesting facts about yourself.

Stubborn is my middle name

Published by Kelly March 27th, 2008 in Bennett Wade, Confessions and Kellyisms. 19 Comments

stub·born /ˈstʌbərn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[stuhb-ern] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. unreasonably obstinate; obstinately unmoving: a stubborn child.
2. fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute: a stubborn opponent of foreign aid.
3. obstinately maintained, as a course of action: a stubborn resistance.
4. difficult to manage or suppress: a stubborn horse; a stubborn pain.
5. hard, tough, or stiff, as stone or wood; difficult to shape or work.

OUCH…..I mean I like to think of it as having a “persevering attitude”, can do and will do. But unreasonably obstinate? Well maybe a tad.

So you all know I may have a teensy weensy habit of over-doing it, not taking it easy, okay… being flat out anal. I hear all the time, “Kelly relax, let others help, don’t do so much, don’t lift so much, the dishes can wait…..yaddah yaddah yaddah.” No comprende! Unless magical elves are coming in the middle of the night then I need to get crap done. That is what Ryan is going to put on my tomb stone because I apparently say it so much, “Ryan, did you get crap done?”

So yesterday two of my girlfriends asked if Chloe and I wanted to join them on a walk at Black Water Creek. Ummmm….70 degrees out and we have been in the house all day…yes please! So off we went. This is the kind of trail that is paved, flat and marked every quarter of a mile. Let’s just say I have been dealing with a lot of cramping this pregnancy, particularly in 2nd and 3rd trimester. Most of the time it turns out to be gosh awful diarrhea or just straight up gas….but sometimes it is just that really intense menstrual cramp feeling.

I realized quite quickly…like one quarter mile in that I was not doing good. Mayday, mayday, this ship is going down. Not wanting to be a total wuss because they might be giving out a trophy at the end of the trail for chubby, out of shape, pregnant women…I kept trucking on. Picking up Chloe’s sippy cup for the gazillionth time, chatting and laughing all the while trying to control my breathing. With each step the cramps got tighter and tighter and tighter until I was convinced that 10 monkeys were inside my belly jumping up and down on every possible organ. The kicker is once you get a mile in….YOU HAVE TO GO A MILE BACK OUT. So I casually say that a mile is all I could hack and we need to get back. I was feeling every bit almost 32, out of shape and hugely pregnant with each agonizing step. I had pit stains down to my ankles and felt like the biggest wuss ever. I look over at my glowing friend, Candace, who is 25 weeks pregnant and did a spinning class at 6:00am that same morning and is barely breaking a sweat. Beeotch! (she knows I am kidding) I think my new rule is to find friends who are more out of shape than myself so I don’t feel guilty.

Needless to say, I was a mess by the time I got home. I could hardly move, let alone walk or raise my solid 27lb child from the ground into my arms. My amazing husband was the evening wench getting everything ready so that I could lay as still as possible on the chaise sucking down glass after glass of water. To no avail, I cramped solidly until I went to bed at 11, each and every time I got up to pee I thought I was going to die on the way to the bathroom as the weight of Bennett slamming down into my pelvis once I got off the bed. Am I being dramatic enough? Seriously, it was a killer night. First thing in the morning I still could hardly move and the cramping was ever so present. Ryan made the executive decision to stay home with me to help with Chloe. By 9:00 I decided to call the doctor. I don’t want to over react and I don’t want to under react….so better safe than sorry.

Long story short….after a rather uncomfortable pelvic exam (could her fingers be any shorter? I think her whole hand was inside before she hit my cervix!) I am NOT dilated, I am NOT effaced. I am a little soft, but no biggie. There will be no Bennett on the menu tonight, thank goodness. He needs to stay put for at least 2 more weeks..AT LEAST! I just freakin OVER DID IT…I know, gasp…..MEEEEEEEEEEEE, over do it? Be….what’s that word?????? Oh stubborn…..yeah, okay, guilty! So I was put on bed-rest through the weekend which is sort of a joke because we have a trade show on Saturday. But I have Ryan home today and he called in for tomorrow and we have company all weekend so I have extra hands with Chloe and another male to set up with Ryan on Saturday morning……so there you have it.

Don’t feel too sorry for me I am sitting on our porch on a 70 degree BEAUTIFUL day watching my husband bend over and wash the car…NICE….with a bowl of brownie batter just inches away writing a blog post. Maybe I could get used to the bed rest thing. Now please don’t leave me comments with your tales of whoa of over doing it and having bad things happen during pregnancy, I don’t want to hear it. I also don’t need a lecture, I have my own mom thank you very much. My hand is slapped, I am “taking it easy” as they say and I am thanking my lucky stars for my wonderful husband.

Excuse me while I shovel another mouthful of batter into my out of shape body.

Corners of my home

Published by Kelly February 19th, 2008 in Home sweet home and Kellyisms. 11 Comments

Good morrow sweet readers. We are still recovering at Casa De Portnoy, you know the residual nose running all day long and the emphysema-like cough that rattles up from your toes. So both Chloe and I sound like we have been smoking since the beginning of time…but still we are in a MUCH better place than 12 days ago. AMEN.

So I am going to talk about something that makes me happy happy happy. Decorating! Many of you have asked me where I buy things or how I pick colors for my house. I am going to start out by saying…DECORATING IS SUBJECTIVE!!!! It is a form of art. Just like some can find beauty in a Picasso while others think it is a big ol’ mess…..so is decorating. I usually get two reactions to my color choices: “That is SOOOOO Kelly” or “I love it!” The first comment translates to: “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING…I would never do that.”

I am in no way an authority nor do I have “rules” to live by. I can only say how I make choices. If I have the means to own 5 homes I would decorate them in COMPLETELY different manners. I appreciate so many styles and color is seriously an aphrodisiac to me. Love it! I happen to have a husband who would love a 60’s mod home with all super sterile, streamlined furniture….screw comfort, give him funky style and architecture. I can totally appreciate his taste and try to incorporate some retro taste into my style.

I just walked around my house and snapped some pictures of either fabrics or nooks that I personally enjoy looking at. I do feel like a home should be practical, especially if you have kids…but I don’t feel like you need to sacrifice taste for comfort. I come by the philosophy of buying neutral furniture rather than trendy colors or patterns because furniture is MUCH more expensive to replace than decorations. I happen to get extremely bored with my house every 6 months and like to switch up my color pallets. Some people want to decorate once in their lives and NEVER decorate again. Tisk, tisk, tisk…live a little will ya!!!

Wait, I take it back… I have a rule: NO WHITE WALLS!!!!! Hospitals, school, work….all white walls. Are those your favorite places to be? HECK NO!!!! I don’t care if you pick linen white for your walls, show some stinking contrast with your moldings. People are SOOOO scared of color, but let me tell you….NOTHING will more dramatically change the look of your home and furniture for CHEAP, than a gallon of paint. You can ALWAYS paint over it if you hate it. I have picked some doozies in my time..but live and learn. IF you go out on a limb…live with it for three days in all sorts of lighting before you decide to change it.

I tend to use fabric to inspire my wall colors.

This is our evolving kitchen. I love this fabric and the green in the flower was my inspiration for the wall color:

Not everyone’s cup of tea..but I love it. I love all my red appliances and dishes contrasting it.

Better yet, frame some fabric and use it as art. Super cheap way to put punches of color up and tie in your pallet.

Pick a punch color and run it through all your main rooms. I happen to LURVE orange. It is fresh, funky and plays off of the earth tones of my furniture and wall colors throughout my house.

Fun pillow

New bathroom pallet

kitchen window, My Chloe bird that my very talented friend, Candace, made.

Don’t be afraid to mix unlikely patterns together.

Fill a space. Nothing irks me more than a person who has a huge wall and they put a tiny little frame on it. The proportions are all off and it looks silly. Also you are not suppose to hang anything on your wall higher than eye level. So take it down a notch! Don’t be afraid to group different height items.

Be careful of clutter. If it is a space you use often….skip the decorations. Clean spaces open up a room.

Use real plants, skip the fake flowers. I do have a couple of fake flower arrangements in my house, but they are more like “sticks” rather than flowers.

It’s a slippery slope in the fake flower world. I am a huge fan of sticks and curly willow ( see two photos above)

So let’s review a few points:

1- USE COLOR….don’t be afraid to paint your walls or pick a punch color and weave it throughout your house.

2- Stay away from themes: palm trees, asian, animals, etc….not timeless and borderline tacky.

3- Use fabric as art, in layers against each other, or to inspire a color pallet. Fabric is what set’s you apart and puts a unique twist on your house.

4- Fill your wall space in the correct proportions. Mess around with arranging your furniture to maximize your space.

5- Have a consistent style in your house. If shabby chic is your thing, don’t have the adjacent room decorated in modern decor. It is confusing to the eye.

Have fun with decorating. So many people are intimidated by decorating or don’t feel like they can do it. Lot’s of people have some great things laying around their house that just need to be rearranged. You don’t have to spend a million dollars on decorations and furniture. Most of my furniture is from Big Lots or dent and scratch stores, but I shoot for all real wood in the same stain so I can mix and match in my rooms. I am a HUGE bargain/clearance shopper for accessories. I know sewing does help because you can custom make pillows and curtains in fabrics of your choosing, but you can still get some great and affordable decorations at Target, even Walmart is seriously stepping it up.

I still stand by painting. If you can’t decorate, you CAN paint and that will transform your space!

That is my two cents. Take it to the bank and cash it in for all it’s worth.

Hair, Hair, Hair

Published by Kelly January 31st, 2008 in Kellyisms. 27 Comments

Geez Louise you guys. That was ridiculous how many of you scrutinized the full body shot. I literally put the most unflattering shot and you all flock to it. Pathetic! I think that ranks as one of my most viewed photos ever. I almost took it down because I was getting a complex….let it go! Girls, girls, girls…where is the love? Dare you to post a sweatpants, no makeup, no style hair picture….Double Dog Dare You!!!

Anyway, seeing as that was an out of shower shot of me and not one showing off my new do. I decided to put on makeup, style my hair and shoot from the neck up. Now you have to understand I cut my own hair all the time but never this drastic. I just kinda went for it and I immediately had Cutters Remorse as I felt very “mommish” and not sassy at all. Slowly I am figuring out how to style it a little better and I am coming to really like it. Yesterday was my best day yet, although these pictures were taken a few days ago. I am figuring out how to do it less styled and more messy. You know….work really hard to make it look like you didn’t work very hard…that is the goal!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Your Mom

Standard boring shot.

There you have it! I will prefect the styling of my do and give more shots later.

Grow up Kelly

Published by Kelly July 10th, 2007 in Confessions, For Kicks and Giggles and Kellyisms. 24 Comments

So I have this eensie weensie annoying habit. I like to think of it as endearing and charming, keeping the sparks alive, but I am pretty sure Ryan would classify it as pestering. I don’t know what gets into me. I get these crazy ideas that play out in my head as funny and playful. Most of the time Ryan puts up with my shenanigans and endures my endless voices, pawing at him, jumping on him, role playing, fashion shows of people with wedgies or thugging out wearing his clothes. You know, wherever the wind takes me that moment. He tells me it is a timing thing….like he has to be in the “mood” for my whims. Yeah, whatever, it isn’t funny if I have to test the waters first, it needs to be spontaneous, that is how great laughs and memories are born.

I digress, so last night at 11:15pm Ryan decides to finally shower off his softball funk. I am harmlessly brushing my teeth next to the shower when it happens. The devil gets me and I think it would be funny to pretend I am a voyeur and so I stealthily step on top of the toilet seat and peer between the gap in the shower curtain and the rod. Seeing as he is 6′6″, his head actually crests the top of the shower curtain bar…I know…amazing to me too! So basically we are eye level. So he finally looks over, rolls his eyes, I am sure I said something dirty to him about watching him naked, we laugh and then I decide, with very bad judgment, to keep standing on the toilet seat and rest my hands on the shower curtain bar. I am sure he told me to beat it and let him finish, but no…..no….you can’t shake me that easy….I am feeling rascally and want to keep pestering you.

I really should head the warnings, they are always there and it always ends the same…me going overboard and hurting myself. I have a terrible track record. A red flashing light should go off, even then I would still probably ignore it. So you may already have the scene in your head (please don’t visualize my husband naked…I’m just sayin’) So like a horrible, fumbling, ballet of clumsiness in one fell swoop I lean too hard on the shower curtain rod, it breaks loose, I fly forward off the toilet seat and the bar comes across Ryan’s neck pinning him against the wall, now the shower is spraying on the opposite side of the shower curtain….a.k.a.- ME, the floor, the magazine rack, the toilet, etc…. Somewhere along the line my foot slipped off and I slam my big toe into the side of the shower so I am howling, “Ow, ow ow ow ow ow ow.” all the while I am continuing to pin Ryan against the nice slimy wall while. He is doing his best to hold me off of him, the shower rod across his neck and the water bouncing up into his nose. It happened so fast. I have included a quick slideshow to help you see the magnitude of this dumbass move. Notice the attention to detail and steady hand at drawing.

Kelly is Crazy

When will I learn? When will I grow up and see that I usually am the only one laughing? It just gives me such pleasure to make Ryan laugh at my own expense when I do pull off one of my crazy ideas. So yeah, welcome to our marriage, I know, positively shocking….actually, not at all if you know me in real life or were ever my roommate. I am the whole barrel of monkeys my friends.