This is a post that may catch you with your mouth open at some point. Be warned, some blunt physical talk ahead.
Read this whole post before commenting. Let me share the one and only picture.
This is, was and will always be baby #3.
Was, that is a hard word to write. Was because as quickly as we found out, they slipped away to be with Jesus.
Friday, November 21st we said goodbye to our third child. We didn’t know it at the time, but we know it now. I thought I was experiencing my first period after having Bennett and boy was it a doozy! I have never ever experienced cramping like that before, it literally rivaled labor on the pain scale. As I lay for hours in my bed praying my Tylenol would help take away the pain I also was running to the bathroom and changing my pad every 30 mins because it was soaked through. In one hour I passed three plumb sized clots….scary stuff, especially because I have never passed anything like that before. I finally took a muscle relaxer so I could get some sleep and to numb the pain.
The next day I felt much better, even shot an 8 hour wedding. Sunday, no problem just regular bleeding like a period. I just chalked up Friday’s episode as some horrible 1st day of a period. Monday morning I woke up with more cramping and some severe bleeding. Hmmmmmm……so weird for a fourth day. I called my mom and explained what was going on. After a long pause she said, “Are you sure you are not pregnant and miscarrying Kelly?” WHAT????? Pregnant and miscarrying….ummmmm…no way. She encouraged me to call my doctor just to run everything by them. As soon as I talked to the nurse on call she changed her tone immediately and told me to take a pregnancy test as soon as possible to confirm if I was/am pregnant. Cue tears, fear, confusion, shock. Was this really happening?
Ryan rushed home immediately with a digital pregnancy test in hand. As you can see from the picture I indeed was/am pregnant. SHOCK. This is not happening. If I am pregnant, then what was Friday night all about?
One hour later, sitting in the waiting room of my OB, scared, sweating, confused. I can NOT believe I am pregnant. The sheer lack of sex around our house is almost laughable. It is truly a miracle pregnancy. My mind and my heart were at battle. On the one hand the thought of three kids under three made me want to puke. I can not imagine physically going through pregnancy AGAIN..three times in a row, finances, insurance, Kellan, oh my word…God was going to have to do something huge to provide for us and to give me the ability to go through another pregnancy. On the other hand, this is our baby, our REAL baby inside of me. No matter how difficult physically, emotionally or financially it is only temporary. No we did not remotely plan this, but my word, I don’t want to lose a child, our child, the thought of this made me want to puke. Both scenarios had their share of fears and guilt tied to it. It was just so much to process in just a couple hours.
Ultrasound showed an empty womb but my uterus was definitely enlarged and thickened showing all signs of pregnancy. Off to the lab for bloodwork and HCG count. A few hours later we were told my count was at 1875…a good count…but nothing to compare it to to know if it went up or down since Friday. All we could do was wait 48 hours and come back in for another draw to get our answer….pregnant or not.
Monday night=hard, sad, lonely, helpless, clinging to Jesus. Tuesday=fairly easy emotionally, no tears, pretty peaceful, my mind would not rest on one scenario or the other, holding Bennett and Chloe a little closer. Wednesday=scared, sad, sick, more clots and bleeding, yet nauseous. It took forever for 1:00pm to come for my next blood draw. We had to wait for hours to get the result. We also had to take Chloe to the orthopedic for some x-rays and examination of her right foot/hip (all ended up okay with this). I was dreading this appointment after her shenanigans at her two year exam. All things were coming at once…..her appt., waiting on results, her appt., waiting on results. We were in the waiting room when the phone rang, the nurse told me my count was drastically down to 800 HCG, I had indeed experienced a miscarriage. Nothing but numbness covered me. The door opened up and Chloe was called in for her appt. I couldn’t really process anything until we were back in the car.
Then the tears started and boy did they start. I think I really thought I was going to keep this baby despite the trauma of Friday night. I bled with Chloe and Bennett, although never to this extent….so I had that hope that maybe, just maybe, they would survive. My girlfriends were praying round the clock for me (thank you all, I just love you) My mentor, Mary sent me one of the most beautiful word pictures while I was waiting for my results. This is the lady who lost her one and only daughter in labor at 9 months, still born. She also lost one son at 3 months old to SIDS. She knows loss, she knows grief, she knows trusting God in the hard and uncertain times.
I want you to think on this for a moment. You do not have to worry about
this baby. This child either grows and develops and opens her/his eyes
someday to look into his loving, expectant, joyous parents’ eyes …..or
he/she opens her/his eyes and sees Jesus. It’s a win/win for this baby.Do not worry about this baby. He/she is fine.
And as for you and Ryan…….you’ll have the joy of knowing this child
in 9 months……….or you are populating heaven…..you have created a
child to worship, serve and praise Jesus. And in what is really a
relatively short time you will have the joy of knowing this child.When we were waiting on Elam and Ella to
be born…….I could see my daughter, my son and Matt and Charity’s 20
embryos cheering Elam and Ella on in the womb. Sorta like cheerleaders standing on
either side of the goal post cheering the football team onto the
field…..except so much better. They were all these darling blondheaded
children from babes to 2 and 3 year olds. I just like to think on that.
I like to think of all of them worshiping and praising God and welcoming
others into heaven.This child has a destiny and a purpose.
And that’s it. That is my comfort and my hope. Our baby left my womb and opened their eyes to the perfection of Jesus Christ. They are waiting to meet us and to spend eternity with us as a family. It is a beautiful and peaceful image and I cling to it. I know for some people they may see this and be able to empathize or sympathize with this pain. Others may not understand why I would be so upset when it was such a short time of knowing. I do not know how some of you that have gone full term with a child and then lose them cope. I can not imagine the grief. A lost child is a lost child. Although the timing scared us poopless, once we got over that it still boiled down to the fact it was our child.
So Thanksgiving was tough. It was beyond tough to have a household full of 18 people 24 hours after finding out you miscarried: cooking food, tending to our children, but my house was full of loving family and that is never a bad thing. By the end of the night I needed to retreat and be alone and have another cry.
My grief just tends to sneak up on me in little waves. Sometimes it is silly little triggers, other times it is big things, like sitting in the doctors office again today getting another draw to test levels having to talk to the nurse about every little sign my body is making as the baby is leaving me. Couldn’t help myself, just had another cry. I had to sit there with round belly mothers and I could only clutch my belly and feel a bit empty.
I am more thankful for Bennett and Chloe than ever before. I can’t imagine if this was my first child or for my dear friend “C” and her 5 failed IVF’s resulting in the loss of 20 fertilized, growing embryos. I have my two sweeties in the flesh to kiss, hug and enjoy. Someday they will see this picture, the one and only picture I have of baby #3 and they will know this story and they will have the joy of knowing that a brother or sister is waiting for them in heaven.
Thanks for hanging in on a very long story. Continue to pray for us but please, more than anything, be thankful for your families and all the blessings around you. We are ALL blessed and God is ALWAYS good.
This truth: “A lost child is a lost child.” speaks volumes.
Thinking of you. Sending big love.
As difficult as I’m sure this is, your attitude is truly inspiring. God is always good. Period. Even when it hurts.
His ways are not our ways.
Lots of prayers for you!
I know I already emailed you, but I will say it here in the hopes that people are encouraged.
I miscarried almost 7 years ago, and even now, if I stop to think about the loss, I cry. I lost not only a baby, but a dream.
I often wonder what he/she would have been like. I guess I’ll find out when I get to heaven.
xo
OH Kelly. I’m so very sorry for your loss. So very sorry.
You are very strong to talk about this. My thoughts are with you are your family
Hugs and loves honey…Warm wishes and prayers for your beautiful little family.
We love you guys and have been praying for you everyday!
I’m sorry you had to experience this loss. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry for your loss Kelly (and Ryan). My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. Big hugs.
Kelly, thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry for your loss, but so glad to see that you are trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Thinking of you and your family.
Sorry to hear that you had to undergo such a pain and loss. I have never lost a baby, but I imagine it would be tough to even explain, and all your hormones that go along with it. Rest up, hugs.
you know i was praying…
i am glad you are giving yourself room to grieve.
i just cried all over again reading this.
you are in my thoughts and prayers, and we will all share in the joy of meeting your precious “#3″ one day….
Kel - I wish you didn’t have to walk this road with so much pain. I love you. I pray for peace from Jesus that covers you in a way that only grief can embrace.
I am so sorry.
Oh Kelly, I’m so sorry! So very sorry you are having to go through this.
Kelly, I am so, so sad for you right now. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. Cannot even begin to imagine. What I can understand is how you loved a baby you only knew you were carrying for a little while–it happens so quickly, that love. We’re praying for you as you walk through the emotions and this path. we love you girl, aubin
Your faith and peace in the midst of such grief is amazing. Keep on keepin’ on, my friend.
Been there and know how hard it is.
I’m not sure the feeling of loss ever goes away, to be honest, but I feel stronger for having gone through it and more blessed because of what I have now.
I pray that the pain goes away and you find peace in God!
I am so sorry for your loss.
I hope your heart and mind find peace soon.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 9 weeks… before I gave birth to Avi and it was the worst. Knowing that they are with G-d helps but it is still a hard road for any parent to travel.
I send your peace and healing, my thoughts and prayers. And wishes for a speedy recovery (both physical and mental).
-AL
I’m so sorry, Kelly.
Words will never be enough other than, I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry Kelly.
Many prayers and strength to you all during this difficult time.
I cannot imagine what you’ve been and are going through. I pray God’s peace will continue to flood over you!
It brings it all back. I too look forward to meeting a child in heaven. My deepest sympathies (as tears roll down my face). I will be praying for you all.
I am so sorry Kelly. I read this last night, and was so overcome with emotion that i couldnt comment. you know what happened to jay and i and i think that loss at any stage is horribly difficult. i feel bad that you only got to know of your sweet little one a short while before knowing he/she was gone. i have some great resources that were truly helpful to me in our loss if you are interested. we love you and will continually keep you in our prayers.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your lose and will be praying for all of y’all and #3.
Thinking of you all in this difficult time.
I’m am so sad to hear this. Your mentor’s words were so comforting and painted a beautiful picture. I pray that you and Ryan will find peace with your precious loss and an overwhelming sense of fullness of God’s love and comfort!
Hey Kelly,
You know I am praying for you and Ryan. I think of you often and when I do I say a prayer for you both.
Your precious third baby is resting in the arms of Jesus…waiting for you!
love ya!
Sending you comfort and faith and hope. I am so sorry your family has to go through this, but I can tell you truly are incredible and I admire you so much.
Oh Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss. As always, I am inspired by your faith, love and strength.
I know that all the platitudes that people offer up seem so pale and pitiful next to the pain of loss you are feeling. I pray that He holds your family close to Him as you navigate through your thoughts and emotions. May He use that little life for His glory!
There’s going to be quite the rejoicing, in heaven, when you get to meet that precious child. Prayers for you and your family, Kelly. God has you in His hand. Peace.
Kelly, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your faith is inspiring.
WOW! I am feeling for you right now! Love what your friend wrote! So incredible to be able to be so trusting!
All the best! Snuggle those two in your arms!
I’m so sorry Kelly. I’m thankful you have such a great mentor and a beautiful family. We’re praying for you all.
It was good to see you yesterday. Praying for you. Hope you have a great day today!
praying peaceful sleep for you all. i’ve asked that my brothers, matthew (older) and timothy (younger), are able to keep an eye out for your little one in heaven. i haven’t met them yet but suspect the family and community elements there are pretty amazing. lots of love
I am so sorry for your loss honey. I cannot even imagine how hard this time is for you but know that we’re praying for you. Your honesty was moving, literally!! I related so closely to being in the OB seeing all the bellies….my heart aches for you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss. And sorry that I am so late in commenting. I can’t imagine. Thanks for sharing.
Kelly:
Sending you a big hug…I’m hoping each day gets easier!
I know I’m a little late in commenting, and I know I’ve only commented a few times before, but I wanted to add my sadness to the list of those before me.
Your faith, and perspective is admirable, and I prayed for you today.
May you know the grace of God abundantly as you continue to cry, celebrate, and grieve all in one.
oh, kelly. (((( hugs )))) we also experienced a loss, a little over a year ago. and 2 people really close to me lost babies within the past month. sigh. it is SO hard. and the grieving is SO individual and personal. so, do and say whatever you need to. process things however it ‘works’ for YOU. ignore ANY well-wishing or advice that feels wrong. and then know that you are supported and held up in prayer- by those who love you, and those who have walked this road of loss before you.
(robert and i named our lost child too. we named him or her ‘wren’ because a wren is described as ‘mainly small and inconspicuous, except for their loud and often complex songs.’ we thought that was the perfect description for the child we never held on this side of things…)