No, no Bennett, so if that is all you wanted to know then you don’t have to keep reading.
***these pictures are from Chloe’s birth, but I find them soothing to look at***
Yesterday, I had a little breakdown on Ryan, which usually for me, signifies a change in tide in my brain and heart. A good cry is cathartic like that. We prayed together and I took a deep breath and decided it was time I let go.
Part of me has felt like a science experiment for over two weeks now. With all these “signs” happening by 37 weeks it opened the door of my heart to anticipate an early arrival of Bennett. With each passing night of contractions or all the other crazy things my body was going through I would get giddy with anticipation. Completely normal, I feel no shame in that. However, I never dreamed it would drag out this long. With each phone call, IM, email, or friend that stopped by “checking in” I found myself growing more and more resentful at my body and the Lord for not getting Bennett on this side of the world. It is so hard when you have no control and you look down at this massive belly 24 hours a day just waiting, tick, tick, tick, waiting, tick, tick, tick…. I had many cute answers when people asked how I was doing or “He is still in there?” YUPPERS! But the knife would only twist more in my heart. Why won’t God get him out? What was the deal with our false alarm at the hospital on Sunday morning?
Chloe is sick, very sick with allergies. She is sleeping horribly and just looks like a swollen, pathetic, boogery mess. Just when I thought the hammer of uncomfortableness couldn’t drop any harder for me, my allergies decided to join the party two days ago. Last night I didn’t sleep one minute. My throat is so swollen up into my ears I can hardly talk, let alone swallow without excruciating pain waking me up every minute. I would love a video of my face trying to swallow. You know where you try to barely move your mouth so you make these horrible grimaces to eek that little bit of spit, food or drink down. Sexy. I have tried spitting in the sink rather than swallow, but even that is too painful. Medications are so limited during pregnancy so you pretty much have to solider up and pray Extra Strength Tylenol indeed is extra strength! I do feel miserable in all senses of the word, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Thank goodness for a God who cares. One who listens and assures me that HE knows exactly what he is doing. It isn’t that Bennett is stubborn or too laid back to come out (there is a negative and positive spin to everything). God tells us in Job that a man can not add or subract a day to his life, it has been pre-ordained by God. God has written Bennett’s story and Chapter one is not ready to be read yet. So sex, raspberry tea, primrose oil, caster oil, walking till my feet fall off, or all the other remedies to jump start labor will only fall coincidently with the timing God already chosen. I don’t have to manufacture a labor or trick God or beg and plead. I simply need to be in the moment that is before me. I have been given several extra weeks with Chloe and Ryan that have been SO FUN! I went to the movies last night. Ryan and I have not been to a movie in months and months and months. Coincidently, we watched Juno and her due date was May 4th like mine…WEIRD!
Anyway, so I am home by myself right now, Chloe is on a play date and my mom is babysitting my brothers kids and I had the choice to watch TV or spend some time praying and meditating on God’s word. I was a good girl and chose the later. I have this awesome Celtic Prayer Book that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. It isn’t everyone’s speed, but it totally connects to my heart and how I talk to God. There was a prayer that brought the peace I have been needing and seeking.
Enjoy!
Calm me, O Lord as you stilled the storm
Still me, O Lord keep me from harm
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me, Lord in Your peaceFather bless the work that is done and the work that is to be done (Labor and Delivery!)
Thou Lord and God of power, shield and sustain me this night.
I will lie down this night with God, and God will lie down with me. I will lie down this night with Christ and Christ will lie down with me, I will lie down this night with the Holy Spirit and the Spirit will lie down with me.
The peace of God be over me to shelter me
-under me to uphold me
-about me to protect me
-behind me to direct me
-ever with me to save meThe peace of all peace be mine this night in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen”
Is this not something to rejoice about?
oh man I love that last picture. I’m glad you are finding peace with all this. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is, but I can completely understand the frustration with your body - it probably feels good to let that go finally and just say - WHENEVER.
Bennett likes it in there, which probably means he’ll have an even greater bond with his mama! those Chloe pictures are so gorgeous, what a beautiful girl…
You never fail to amaze me. That was a beautiful post, Kelly.
Great post Kelly. Really great.
He will come soon. I can sense your peace as you have let it go.
Blessings on you guys.
What a wonderful post…such a peaceful post. You are so right — God does have a perfect plan for you, Ryan, Chloe and Bennett!
I’m sorry to hear your little girl is feeling so sick.I hope it eases up soon.
You are such an amazing woman
this is the healthiest i have heard you in weeks, kel - despite all the physical ailments, your spirit is in the right place. learning to JUST BE in life is so hard - and a lesson I am continually learning. But if you allow yourself to sit in this space - however crowded, uncomfortable and downright frustrating it is - you are allowing yourself space to really grow and learn and, well, ‘be’ in life.
… I can’t tell you how this blog entry has spoken to me. My circumstances are TOTALLY unrelated to yours… and yet, my heart/mind has been in the same place as yours. The prayer you shared spoke to me in a way that I can not even articulate. I wrote it out and will being praying it immediately and consistently. I am also going to look for the prayer book you mentioned. Thank you, again, Kelly, for knowing, loving God and sharing your heart with us. It has impacted me in a way you will probably never know.
Blessings… for you, for Chloe, for Ryan and little Bennett.
jay’s stricken will allergies the past few days, too! i was pretty bad about a week and 1/2 ago………misery. but, alas, it goes away.
see. he loves you. and bennett. as do i.
i watched juno the other nite and, no joke, jay goes, ‘hey may 4th……just like kelly!’ i laughed. i thought it was cute he remembered!
Beautiful, Kelly. I can’t wait for the day that God planned for Bennett to be born. It will be perfect.
Beautiful!
Peace.
such a great reminder of how great our God is and His timing is always perfect, I needed to hear that today. i love the celtic daily prayer, He always leads to me a passage that really hits what’s going on, and i love that He shows us His love for us that way. blessings!
hey there–your experience of prodromal labor these past few weeks is EXACTLY my experience when getting ready for Noah to be born. i reacted emotionally and spiritually very similarly to you, and i did find peace only the Lord can give about the situation.
its hard when you THINK your baby is going to be several weeks early, and with my experience the doctors even were thinking so. it went on for about two weeks, and NOTHING. luckily, noah was still born 10 days early…but, no bargaining with God or “labor remedy” was going to get him here sooner. i feel like i learned more about patience and release in those weeks than ever before in my life.
i’m praying and pulling for you and your little family over the next weeks…i can’t wait to see how Chloe transitions as a big sister!!
love, hayley
It is something to rejoice about. Isn’t neat knowing that God’s plan is the best and even when we think we are on Plan B, God always knew that this is how it is going to be?!
Thinking good thoughts for you Kelly. It will happen when it is meant to happen, just hoping that is sooner rather than later ; )
Okay I admit I came here wanting to know if he’s here yet, but also to check on you. I’m so glad you have turned things over to God and just let go. Bennett needs to cook a little longer for whatever reason, but have some comfort in knowing it won’t be too much longer. My poor mother went nearly 3 weeks beyond her due date back in 1978!
I love the 2nd to the last picture of Chloe-it’s so peaceful. And of course the one last picture with Ryan is just beyond words!
Can Chloe not get some relief from zyrtec or something? They make children’s liquid in clariten too. I hope you feel better all of you, and I will be checking in later to meet Bennett.
Hi Kel,
Your honesty is beautiful to me. Lexi was 8 days late and I know exactly how you feel! I miss you so much. I feel your pain! Please call me when you are feeling down. We haven’t talked in so long! Bennett’s nursery is wow! I love the furniture and colors! I’ve had bad allergies here and the same symptoms you are mentioning Zyrtec works best for me. Love you.
Hey Kelly, I so glad that you are learning the lessons God wants you to learn. Cherish the time the three of you have left, and then God will delight you with your son, when his timing is right.
And, because no one seems to have said this yet (and I just can’t believe it!) “May the 4th be with you!”
** WARNING! Unsolicited advice ahead! **
First if all, bless you! I know it makes the heart a bit heavy and weary waiting for labor, trying to make it happen, answering everyone’s questions about it, etc. Letting go is a great strategy.
One of the things I learned from my childbirth classes is being in the moment. It was a lesson in contractions… like, “there is only this one contraction, dont worry about what came before, dont worry about what will come after, just be with THIS contraction and breathe through it.” I have found it a great lesson for mothering too. Just live in the moment. What do you have right now? At this exact moment: A peaceful house? A moment to with your husband? A kiss with your baby? An opportunity to watch a movie? Whatever it is, try to live there and let your joy fill it up. I know it is hard and you cant do it all the time. But sometimes that helps me.
Finally, BLISS OUT! Do the things you love now, at all costs. Call in all the help and support you need to make it happen. There is no better time to do the things you really love… and “be glad and rejoice in it!” Think of it as a gift you give to yourself for all of the work you have ahead.
Lovely post! It brought tears to my eyes.
Darcie
when was your OFFICIAL due date anyway???
i’ve lost track with all the trips in and out of the hospital and the contractions and such….???
you’re still ahead of it, right???
you’re doing SO GREAT kelly and he’ll BE HERE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT!!!! (don’t you hate that saying?)
i’m thinking and praying for you!!!!
I so loved this Kelly. Your beautiful pictures and words captured well the raw emotion and beauty of the celebration of new life. Before you know it you will be going through the very same wonderful, joyous emotions of welcoming Bennett into this world.
Peace from the Spirit is such a beautiful gift that He has granted. As I head off tomorrow morning for induction, I’ll be thinking & praying for your heart to continue on the journey God has laid in front of you, just as He has planned.
I love the prayer so much I printed it & am packing it in my hospital bag.
Praying for sweet Chloe too!
Love you, girl!!!
We are on vacation in Daytona… I’ve not been able to check your site since Friday night. Wow, sounds like your weekend was a little nerve wracking. I loved this post, and especially the prayer! Thanks Kelly… May God fill you with rest and peace!
The next baby pics you post will be baby Bennett. I feel it!! peace and love!
I’m thinking of you as you await God’s perfect timing.
I can totally tell from the tone of this post that you are in a place of total surrender and submission, Kel. And apparently that’s exactly where the Lord wants you before you bring another life into this world. Glad you have your wonderful Ryan to confide in, cry with and come before the Lord with. You guys make a great team.
Oh, Kelly, that was so precious…all of it. Thank you for the reminder that God is always and forever in control of all things. I am praying for you all and Praise God for the time he is giving you all together (and with HIM) as you wait for Bennett to get here. You sharing your peace from God has allowed me to know and have HIS peace too!
Just like that very first post i read of yours and totally fell in love with your love of God and his control of your life. The end of pregnancy is so hard, I empathize totally with you and know that God will sustain you. Chloe, Ryan and Bennett are so lucky to have you in your strength and your weakness.
Thanks so much for this post on being at peace with where you are. Altho you are waiting for Bennett, i know in a flash i’ll be in that same place with you. I really needed to hear this right now. It was such a timely post. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and letting us into even those special times with the Lord and with Ryan that help you thru. I am so thankful for our husbands! they are such solid rocks for us.
oh, i loved the movie Juno! super edgy and fun. Her character is a riot.
Beautiful pictures Kelly, I adore them. Get some sleep girl…Good luck.
Hang in there…..I feel for you and remember these times all too well….although looking at all of these baby shots and cribs and baby paraphenalia you have on here I am feeling very envious….very special times to remember…
especially when a person has finally had plenty of sleep, no more aches and pains, and can’t remember the the hard parts anymore right?
I hope he comes soon for you…and good luck!
p.s. Beautiful pictures by the way…I love your view of the world.