2008 April archive at Filtering Life

Archive for April, 2008

Finding Peace

Published by Kelly April 29th, 2008 in Uncategorized. 32 Comments

No, no Bennett, so if that is all you wanted to know then you don’t have to keep reading.

***these pictures are from Chloe’s birth, but I find them soothing to look at***

Yesterday, I had a little breakdown on Ryan, which usually for me, signifies a change in tide in my brain and heart. A good cry is cathartic like that. We prayed together and I took a deep breath and decided it was time I let go.

Part of me has felt like a science experiment for over two weeks now. With all these “signs” happening by 37 weeks it opened the door of my heart to anticipate an early arrival of Bennett. With each passing night of contractions or all the other crazy things my body was going through I would get giddy with anticipation. Completely normal, I feel no shame in that. However, I never dreamed it would drag out this long. With each phone call, IM, email, or friend that stopped by “checking in” I found myself growing more and more resentful at my body and the Lord for not getting Bennett on this side of the world. It is so hard when you have no control and you look down at this massive belly 24 hours a day just waiting, tick, tick, tick, waiting, tick, tick, tick…. I had many cute answers when people asked how I was doing or “He is still in there?” YUPPERS! But the knife would only twist more in my heart. Why won’t God get him out? What was the deal with our false alarm at the hospital on Sunday morning?

Chloe is sick, very sick with allergies. She is sleeping horribly and just looks like a swollen, pathetic, boogery mess. Just when I thought the hammer of uncomfortableness couldn’t drop any harder for me, my allergies decided to join the party two days ago. Last night I didn’t sleep one minute. My throat is so swollen up into my ears I can hardly talk, let alone swallow without excruciating pain waking me up every minute. I would love a video of my face trying to swallow. You know where you try to barely move your mouth so you make these horrible grimaces to eek that little bit of spit, food or drink down. Sexy. I have tried spitting in the sink rather than swallow, but even that is too painful. Medications are so limited during pregnancy so you pretty much have to solider up and pray Extra Strength Tylenol indeed is extra strength! I do feel miserable in all senses of the word, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Thank goodness for a God who cares. One who listens and assures me that HE knows exactly what he is doing. It isn’t that Bennett is stubborn or too laid back to come out (there is a negative and positive spin to everything). God tells us in Job that a man can not add or subract a day to his life, it has been pre-ordained by God. God has written Bennett’s story and Chapter one is not ready to be read yet. So sex, raspberry tea, primrose oil, caster oil, walking till my feet fall off, or all the other remedies to jump start labor will only fall coincidently with the timing God already chosen. I don’t have to manufacture a labor or trick God or beg and plead. I simply need to be in the moment that is before me. I have been given several extra weeks with Chloe and Ryan that have been SO FUN! I went to the movies last night. Ryan and I have not been to a movie in months and months and months. Coincidently, we watched Juno and her due date was May 4th like mine…WEIRD!

Anyway, so I am home by myself right now, Chloe is on a play date and my mom is babysitting my brothers kids and I had the choice to watch TV or spend some time praying and meditating on God’s word. I was a good girl and chose the later. I have this awesome Celtic Prayer Book that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. It isn’t everyone’s speed, but it totally connects to my heart and how I talk to God. There was a prayer that brought the peace I have been needing and seeking.

Enjoy!

Calm me, O Lord as you stilled the storm
Still me, O Lord keep me from harm
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me, Lord in Your peace

Father bless the work that is done and the work that is to be done (Labor and Delivery!)

Thou Lord and God of power, shield and sustain me this night.

I will lie down this night with God, and God will lie down with me. I will lie down this night with Christ and Christ will lie down with me, I will lie down this night with the Holy Spirit and the Spirit will lie down with me.

The peace of God be over me to shelter me
-under me to uphold me
-about me to protect me
-behind me to direct me
-ever with me to save me

The peace of all peace be mine this night in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen”

Is this not something to rejoice about?

False Alarm

Published by Kelly April 27th, 2008 in Uncategorized. 26 Comments

So here is the skinny.

I went to bed at midnight last night..contractions begin immediately. I start clocking. Sure enough, for 45 minutes they are 5 minutes apart like clockwork and then they go to 4 minutes apart for the next 20 mins. ACTION!!!! So I get Ryan and my mom up and tell them it looks like we are in the window to head to the hospital. My mom stays home to see if we get admitted and Ryan and I head off. By the time I got to the hospital they are 3-4 mins. apart and quite uncomfortable.

Of course I have already been through this, but Chloe was such a one stop shop of labor buffet symptoms and my water broke so we were a sure bet at the hospital. This timing contractions thing is for the birds. (Although in all fairness, I did have one false labor with Chloe that we went to the hospital for and got sent home and she was born 1.5 days later) It is frustrating to show up and to hear that although you are contracting strongly and regularly…there is no change since my check on Wednesday (this didn’t surprise me because I had two days of NO contractions my body was so calm Thursday and Friday) So we do what anyone else would do at 2:30 am….we walk for an hour! Good times, good times. Contractions were starting to really come crashing in and intense menstrual cramping on top of it all. YES…fist pump.

Now I did get scolded because I had ketones in my urine. Apparently, I hadn’t eaten or drank enough that day and that could be the culprit for my contractions (not so much!) So I was sucking down water and coke while I strolled the halls with Ryan, deliriously tired and loving the 1/4 inch cushion my flip flops offered. So we come back for another check. No change in dilation but I had effaced another 10%. WE decide to hang for the next hour and just rest and see what my body did. At this point I was contracting every 2-3 minutes. She stripped my membranes and the contractions started to get quite intense.

As I laid there hungry, nauseous, tired, in pain and anxious I started to feel the contractions spacing out……NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO body, don’t fail me now! My doctor was going to be on duty in just 3 hours. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So at 5:00am after no significant change we make the choice to just go home. Kick dirt, stink!

So today has been filled with stuffing my face with food, taking my heaviest sleeping medication and coming in and out of consciousness through out the day. Contractions have stopped, although now that it is evening I am starting to feeling some stirring again. The doctor said she would not be surprised if I was back today, but it still could be another day or so.

GAH!!!!!!! So there you go. We almost met Bennett, our little boy with the “happy heartbeat” they said. Please pray tonight is the night, I am so ready and so over this up and down thing with my body and emotions. It is so hard when you have no control, just another reminder that from start to finish, God is in control of all aspects of each of our lives.

So I will eat my vanilla ice cream with strawberries, watch my Desperate Housewives and pray for God to supernaturally throw my body into high gear.

…and how was your weekend?

YAWN….

Published by Kelly April 25th, 2008 in Adventures in Pregnancy and Bennett Wade. 19 Comments

I’m sorry, did you stop in AGAIN hoping to see a shiny little boys face looking back at you? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, I am sitting miserably on my chaise letting you know that I too am waiting and waiting for my little guy to bust through my uterus. The last 1.5 days have been eerily clam “down there”. Even Bennett his hardly making moves. I know that is pretty typical at the end…just another “sign” of things to come.

So I don’t want to leave you hanging, we are a week out from my due date so it has to happen by next weekend one way or the other. I am still confident he is going to come on his own.

I picked my mom up yesterday so she is here to help me with Chloe and let me get a little more sleep and now it is one less thing for me to stress about in my mind about her not getting here in time for the birth. It is Friday again, so this could work out good with Ryan’s days off from work. The joke is that 20/20 is on tonight. My water broke with Chloe at 10:00pm on a Friday night during 20/20 so now it is my omen of impending birth. Let’s hope…I will let Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs be the “sign” of my labor, it could be worse.

Whelp, I just sipped my last bit of coffee, had my morning poo, and now it is time to face the day with my extremely allergy ridden little girl. Her poor little face is oozing all sorts of funk, she is miserable! Who knew that an 18 month old could get seasonal allergies. This is were Virginia puts you on your butt. Horrible pollen season!

Have a great weekend, I promise we will blog from the hospital. I am just terrible at emails and IM right now so thank you all for who have checked on me, but I am not mustering the energy to write back right now. So forgive me. To all my girlfriends and family….keep your cellphones charged!!!!

Nope…not yet

Published by Kelly April 22nd, 2008 in Uncategorized. 38 Comments

Deep sigh, deep breath, let it out. I actually got up to 8 minutes apart last night for a 45 minute duration and I was thinking this is it…they are going to start picking up and nope…petered off into sporadic-ville! So close, yet so far. They are definitely getting much more intense like labor pains deep in the pelvis and down the legs. All the fun and no Bennett, how lucky can I be?

I had a great playdate this morning with my girlfriends which is helping me keep my mind off my CRAZY body. I realize I am not even close to my due date so I really have no business acting so put out, but all these “signs” sure make it hard to not get excited moment to moment. So anyway, that is the update for today.

As requested, here are pictures of Bennett’s nursery. I absolutely love his bed set. Ryan is mucho picky about patterns so I knew I had to find something boyish, but not too cliche. We went with a fish theme. I am having trouble deciding what to put on his shelves and walls. I want to incorporate more animals but not look like Disney World blew up in his room. Any suggestions? I have been looking on Etsy for some graphic prints…I may just go that route and frame a collage of some really cool illustrations of animals.

I went with black furniture for Bennett. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE his crib. I got a killer deal on it and it is so masculine and strong and balances out the lightness of his bed set. His wall color is labeled celedon, but there isn’t that much green in the walls, it is kinda a funky blue. So he has a color scheme of “funky” blue, lime/grass green, white, mocha brown, and black.

So here you go. For some reason when I edit photos and put them on Flickr, it is washing them out. Ryan gives me a big lecture about a photo having a “color profile” and that the internet does not accept all colors without a profile….blahtidy blah blah blah….just look like how I edit you! So these are a bit blown out looking…sorry. It frustrates me so much. The color is much more rich in person.

I love the patterns in his set and I am in love with the matching knit blanket. Double heart, triple stampy no erasey love it!

Gotta love the air conditioning unit and radiator in the background. Just a classy little touch.

Matching lamp from Nana and Grandpa.

This is the softest blanket in the world from Pottery Barn that Aunt Brittany gave Bennett personalized. Again, hard to see with the flippin internet not accepting my edits.

I splurged on this print. It just makes me smile.

This is my sign I made for Bennett to mimic the fish bubbles in his set. I have no idea what to do with it. I want to frame it, but I don’t know where to hang it. Hmmmmm…….

The mirror on the floor is Ryan and my silent battle on who will hang it first. It is going to go to the right of the rocker…but for now it is a floor ornament.

Anyone who knows Ryan, knows he does not wear shoes all fall/winter long, he wears slippers. He has like 5-6 pairs. I found these little slippers at GAP for $4.99 at the end of the season and HAD TO HAVE THEM. I can’t wait for them to wear their matching slippers in the fall.

And here is the saddest site of all. All his stuff packed and ready to go to the hospital. Carseat, boppy and overnight bag. Deep sigh, deep breath, let it out. Maybe tonight.

Hope you enjoyed the tour of Bennett’s nursery. This just took way too much time to do…leave comment appreciation for my sacrifice of time…cough, cough, as if I have other things to do!!!!

Introducing…..

Published by Kelly April 21st, 2008 in Adventures in Pregnancy, Bennett Wade, Chloe Grace, Confessions and For Kicks and Giggles. 17 Comments

NOBODY!

Yes, I am a big fat jerk! You know that twinge of disappointment you just felt…well multiply it by a million and you will know what I feel every time I have a contraction. WHAAAAAA…..get him out of me! Come on, full moon yesterday, low pressure system, afternoon delight with the hubby, I am sipping red raspberry leaf tea as I type this. Contractions on and off all day and all night…but no…not enough to put me into the hospital. This is torture, I would so rather not have any signs then having TONS of signs but not going anywhere.

So yeah, I didn’t want to leave you hanging…still sitting here swollen and tired but really really excited to meet Bennett. With each passing day I get more and more thrilled at kissing my little boy and less scared about labor and having two wee ones.

I do feel like this weekend was a gift from the Lord. This is our first free weekend, Friday-Sunday since December. We had so much fun as a family and the weather was amazing! We ventured down to the community market to let Chloe explore. She had a ball. She also ate her first homemade mini cinnamon donuts. Guess who kept double fisting them? Mommy’s little girl! If food were alcohol she would drink you under the table in a second!

So I will leave you with some more family moments from the market and going to church yesterday.

oh quick belly shot.

Smelling a flower….kinda demonic looking.

Look how tall she is! We had our 18 month check up today….33 inches! She is over half my height already. I am screwed in my own family.

Ry took some cool water fountain shots.

Donut time. The Kettle Corn man wasn’t there…so this was our consolation prize, homemade donuts….terrible I know!

Waiting for mom and dad for church.

And a HUGE thank you to my sister in law, Meridyth, for her very fun package she sent to Chloe, Bennett and me. Lots and lots of special treats. I am afraid she is not willing to share the giraffe with Bennett, she has already carried it all over the house. Maybe it is time to start working on sharing!