Filtering Life

Psalms 38 (bits and pieces)

“I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of the heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds. I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God. For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.”

About a year and a half ago we thought we lost Chloe at 8 weeks old in my belly. Unexplained bleeding, an empty womb on the ultrasound screen, for seven days we had to wait. For seven days I cried, I grieved, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained with God to spare my child and fulfill my desires to mother and my dream of having a family. For seven days I prayed, worshiped through song, read my Bible and journaled. For seven days I vacillated from hope to despair. For seven days I told myself I deserved to lose this child because of past sin and mistakes and then I also reminded myself that all is forgiven. For seven days I read scripture after scripture about God’s goodness, compassion, mercy, sovereignty, forgiveness, and sacrifice. I read the book of Job; a man of God, a man who was faithful and lost everything and everyone and suffered physically. Then sat in awe as chapters 38-42 God tells Job WHO HE IS. “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge. Brace yourself like a man (woman) I will question you, and you shall answer me.” Although God allowed great suffering in Job’s life, like the WORST kind, his compassion and mercy also rained over him but not until Job got “it”. “IT” was TRUST in the Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth and all it’s inhabitants. I only had to live with the feeling of insufferable loss for seven days, I can not imagine it for a lifetime.

Where am I going with this? This post is not about me, this post is written out of a grieved heart for my girlfriends in my life. Four specific girls, C, H, J and A. You know who you are.

In the last 10 days I have received four phone calls from friends and a family member that they were pregnant. In the last 4 days I received a phone call that one of those precious babies did not make it. My pregnancy buddy from last year and I thought we had done it again, belly buddies with our baby #2, but just as quickly as she found out, she immediately started bleeding and six days later it was confirmed that he was in heaven.

The other phone call I received was even heavier in content. I have a friend who is 32 years old, perfectly healthy, married for 10 years, the sweetest, godliest, most nurturing woman you could ever meet. The problem is, C has stage four endometriosis. Over the last 3 years she has undergone several surgeries removing one ovary and both fallopian tubes. The remaining ovary is encased in endometriosis and her uterus has several cysts and scaring. C has tried IVF two times in the last two years, losing 5 precious, precious little ones in the process. Two weeks ago, she went for round three. This time her eggs graded SOOOOOO well and at day three of fertilization four little wee ones were injected into her uterus to make themselves a home. Friday was her blood test to confirm pregnancy. Friday the hammer dropped once again as she was told that she lost all four babies. That is 9 children in three years. NINE children in three years.

I was numb, sick to my stomach and unable to stop thinking about her pain. Her grief. What can I say as I look down at my growing belly full of life? How can I begin to look her in the eye? I was so sure this time was it, I never doubted once. I don’t have anything to say as words fall short to comfort such a devastating loss as four beautiful children. Only a supernatural God can reach into the depths of her sorrow and emptiness.

Chloe and I went to visit her while she was on bed rest and we laughed and talked about being pregnant together and what would she do with multiples with breast feeding, etc…. Joy and hope filled the room. But one week later this is my email from her yesterday.

Thank you Kelly for your prayers and support. It is so hard and yes, I felt pregnant too - crying all the time and getting so hot all the time, but I knew after Monday that things weren’t right - I started cramping and spotting and so I just stayed on bed rest and prayed. It is very hard and I cry when I think about it, but we will do it again soon. My ovary looks rested and the dr.’s will meet tomorrow to go over the details of our cycle and then will let us know when we can do this again.

Just keep praying for grace and strength to keep living life. I don’t want to live life with any regrets. I know our children are in heaven with Jesus serving him, but it isn’t easier when we want them in our arms here on earth. Thanks again for your prayers and support. I am taking off until Nov. 12. Praise the Lord for a good job where I have the flexibility to do that.

Thanks again Kelly.

Blessings to you and your little ones and to Ryan.

Thanking ME? Look at her attitude, she is amazing, simply one of the strongest people I know. Her faith in God is unmatched. It doesn’t mean she isn’t experiencing every human emotion possible, but her foundation is so tried and true. How does one go through this type of sorrow and grief apart from God?

I also want to address my dear friends H and A. This is the other end of the spectrum. You know the saying, “It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.” These are two ladies who are suffering from infertility and are on a vicious crusade to rectify the situation. They both keep blogs regarding their very raw feelings and it is just another devastating thing to watch two very deserving people ache to fulfill their deepest longings and having such a hard time to get their bodies working. What do I say? There just are no words but only an opportunity to pray and keep my ears and arms open to their hurts, frustrations, sorrow and fears.

Did you know by 20 weeks in the womb a baby girl has 6 million eggs in her ovaries. SIX MILLION! God designed us to be mothers even before we took our first breath.

As I search to find answers to these situations, I know there are none that are clear cut. Life is a journey: one filled with the highest of highs and lowest of lows. This earth is finite and everything comes to an end….everything. When we begin to think about these huge ideas such as the birth of an eternal being, we equate our finite minds and emotions to the situation. How can we understand the choices God makes in our lives when he looks at life as infinite, no end and no beginning? How can we question his goodness and control in our lives? We are simply incapable of grasping even a sliver of his knowledge and sovereignty for we can’t see past the very second we are currently living in. There is no magic crystal ball or future time machine. We are forced to live and “feel” each second as it is. We are forced to reconcile situations that are so beyond our English language to describe and far beyond our life experiences to come to peace with. And this is life. This is life on earth. Earth that is tainted by sin and therefore suffering, pain, grief and sorrow have common place here. We are short sighted for God says that for all the suffering we experience on this earth, it is NOTHING compared to the coming glory we will receive. Slow that promise down and read that again. NOTHING we experience on this earth will compare to the goodness, glory and perfection we are to receive someday in heaven. That is HIS promise.

Who knows more about immeasurable suffering than Jesus Christ? Who has felt more pain, rejection, loneliness, mocking, and scorn than Jesus? There is not one pain we suffer that we can not identify fully with Christ in it.

So that is my thought on this subject. I don’t often blog about the corners of my heart. Unfortunately with this topic I know it has touched so many out there in blogland as 25% of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage and infertility is at an all time high.

Some of you may think this is easy for me to say or “sum up” because I have a child and one on the way. “What does she know?” I hope that is not all you take from this. It isn’t easy when those you love, do not or can not, have children. It is grievous in the highest form. My heart goes out to you ladies and I will not stop praying for you C, A, H, and J. I love you guys.