2007 October archive at Filtering Life

Archive for October, 2007

Grieved

Published by Kelly October 31st, 2007 in Confessions. 18 Comments

Psalms 38 (bits and pieces)

“I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of the heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds. I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God. For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.”

About a year and a half ago we thought we lost Chloe at 8 weeks old in my belly. Unexplained bleeding, an empty womb on the ultrasound screen, for seven days we had to wait. For seven days I cried, I grieved, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained with God to spare my child and fulfill my desires to mother and my dream of having a family. For seven days I prayed, worshiped through song, read my Bible and journaled. For seven days I vacillated from hope to despair. For seven days I told myself I deserved to lose this child because of past sin and mistakes and then I also reminded myself that all is forgiven. For seven days I read scripture after scripture about God’s goodness, compassion, mercy, sovereignty, forgiveness, and sacrifice. I read the book of Job; a man of God, a man who was faithful and lost everything and everyone and suffered physically. Then sat in awe as chapters 38-42 God tells Job WHO HE IS. “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge. Brace yourself like a man (woman) I will question you, and you shall answer me.” Although God allowed great suffering in Job’s life, like the WORST kind, his compassion and mercy also rained over him but not until Job got “it”. “IT” was TRUST in the Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth and all it’s inhabitants. I only had to live with the feeling of insufferable loss for seven days, I can not imagine it for a lifetime.

Where am I going with this? This post is not about me, this post is written out of a grieved heart for my girlfriends in my life. Four specific girls, C, H, J and A. You know who you are.

In the last 10 days I have received four phone calls from friends and a family member that they were pregnant. In the last 4 days I received a phone call that one of those precious babies did not make it. My pregnancy buddy from last year and I thought we had done it again, belly buddies with our baby #2, but just as quickly as she found out, she immediately started bleeding and six days later it was confirmed that he was in heaven.

The other phone call I received was even heavier in content. I have a friend who is 32 years old, perfectly healthy, married for 10 years, the sweetest, godliest, most nurturing woman you could ever meet. The problem is, C has stage four endometriosis. Over the last 3 years she has undergone several surgeries removing one ovary and both fallopian tubes. The remaining ovary is encased in endometriosis and her uterus has several cysts and scaring. C has tried IVF two times in the last two years, losing 5 precious, precious little ones in the process. Two weeks ago, she went for round three. This time her eggs graded SOOOOOO well and at day three of fertilization four little wee ones were injected into her uterus to make themselves a home. Friday was her blood test to confirm pregnancy. Friday the hammer dropped once again as she was told that she lost all four babies. That is 9 children in three years. NINE children in three years.

I was numb, sick to my stomach and unable to stop thinking about her pain. Her grief. What can I say as I look down at my growing belly full of life? How can I begin to look her in the eye? I was so sure this time was it, I never doubted once. I don’t have anything to say as words fall short to comfort such a devastating loss as four beautiful children. Only a supernatural God can reach into the depths of her sorrow and emptiness.

Chloe and I went to visit her while she was on bed rest and we laughed and talked about being pregnant together and what would she do with multiples with breast feeding, etc…. Joy and hope filled the room. But one week later this is my email from her yesterday.

Thank you Kelly for your prayers and support. It is so hard and yes, I felt pregnant too - crying all the time and getting so hot all the time, but I knew after Monday that things weren’t right - I started cramping and spotting and so I just stayed on bed rest and prayed. It is very hard and I cry when I think about it, but we will do it again soon. My ovary looks rested and the dr.’s will meet tomorrow to go over the details of our cycle and then will let us know when we can do this again.

Just keep praying for grace and strength to keep living life. I don’t want to live life with any regrets. I know our children are in heaven with Jesus serving him, but it isn’t easier when we want them in our arms here on earth. Thanks again for your prayers and support. I am taking off until Nov. 12. Praise the Lord for a good job where I have the flexibility to do that.

Thanks again Kelly.

Blessings to you and your little ones and to Ryan.

Thanking ME? Look at her attitude, she is amazing, simply one of the strongest people I know. Her faith in God is unmatched. It doesn’t mean she isn’t experiencing every human emotion possible, but her foundation is so tried and true. How does one go through this type of sorrow and grief apart from God?

I also want to address my dear friends H and A. This is the other end of the spectrum. You know the saying, “It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.” These are two ladies who are suffering from infertility and are on a vicious crusade to rectify the situation. They both keep blogs regarding their very raw feelings and it is just another devastating thing to watch two very deserving people ache to fulfill their deepest longings and having such a hard time to get their bodies working. What do I say? There just are no words but only an opportunity to pray and keep my ears and arms open to their hurts, frustrations, sorrow and fears.

Did you know by 20 weeks in the womb a baby girl has 6 million eggs in her ovaries. SIX MILLION! God designed us to be mothers even before we took our first breath.

As I search to find answers to these situations, I know there are none that are clear cut. Life is a journey: one filled with the highest of highs and lowest of lows. This earth is finite and everything comes to an end….everything. When we begin to think about these huge ideas such as the birth of an eternal being, we equate our finite minds and emotions to the situation. How can we understand the choices God makes in our lives when he looks at life as infinite, no end and no beginning? How can we question his goodness and control in our lives? We are simply incapable of grasping even a sliver of his knowledge and sovereignty for we can’t see past the very second we are currently living in. There is no magic crystal ball or future time machine. We are forced to live and “feel” each second as it is. We are forced to reconcile situations that are so beyond our English language to describe and far beyond our life experiences to come to peace with. And this is life. This is life on earth. Earth that is tainted by sin and therefore suffering, pain, grief and sorrow have common place here. We are short sighted for God says that for all the suffering we experience on this earth, it is NOTHING compared to the coming glory we will receive. Slow that promise down and read that again. NOTHING we experience on this earth will compare to the goodness, glory and perfection we are to receive someday in heaven. That is HIS promise.

Who knows more about immeasurable suffering than Jesus Christ? Who has felt more pain, rejection, loneliness, mocking, and scorn than Jesus? There is not one pain we suffer that we can not identify fully with Christ in it.

So that is my thought on this subject. I don’t often blog about the corners of my heart. Unfortunately with this topic I know it has touched so many out there in blogland as 25% of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage and infertility is at an all time high.

Some of you may think this is easy for me to say or “sum up” because I have a child and one on the way. “What does she know?” I hope that is not all you take from this. It isn’t easy when those you love, do not or can not, have children. It is grievous in the highest form. My heart goes out to you ladies and I will not stop praying for you C, A, H, and J. I love you guys.

The mother of all posts

Published by Kelly October 29th, 2007 in Life in General and Photoganza. 33 Comments

I’m Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

A- Did you miss me?
B- If you did not miss me then why are you checking my blog?
C- Leave some love because I do not feel like writing this post or uploading 9000 pictures…but for you…I’d lasso the moon

Okay, where to begin, where to begin. Pull up a comfy chair, grab some coffee or tea, maybe a little soft music and read about my ubber cool, ultra exciting life. Can you sense the sarcasm already…good!

Truly, there was nothing earth shattering about this week except that I got to spend 9 unadulterated days with Ryan and that…to me…is vacation! I also got to visit my best friend who I never get to see, visit my family and stay my first night away from Chloe….I know, I know, I should write away to “Vacations of the year”. You can’t plan this kind of coolness.

Let’s back the train up a bit and discuss what we did before we left for vacation. Besides beat our heads against a wall everyday getting all our photography stuff caught up, we did manage to be normal people and come out of hiding here and there.

We had dear friends of ours come and visit us for a few days, Jim and Kris. They came just in time to watch the Red Sox win the American League Championship making Ryan’s b-day cake all the more appropriate.

Ryan also fired off a few shots of them in the family way. Little Madeline is due to arrive in January. We are so excited for you two. Try to hold off on the Chicago Bears windbreaker Jim! Give the girl a chance.

After getting up at 6:15am last Sunday morning to begin packing us up and getting the house ready to sit empty for a week, I realized I was quickly getting overwhelmed and exhausted and we hadn’t even driven one mile towards our destination. It takes so stinking long to mentally go through a week and pack enough toys, food, baby junk, diapers, wipes, and medicine for this little tiny baby for just seven days!

Needless to say we hit the road looking like the Klampits filled to the gills with bags, toys, coolers, you name it. I typically hate road trips. I mean I love being new places, but I hate the process. What always make a trip bearable and even dare I say “fun” is playing the game “Would You Rather”. I realize there is a board game version, but Ryan and I play off the top of our heads. You know a showdown of wit. It quickly becomes a verbal game of Chicken as the Would You Rather questions go from something like, “Would you rather be burned alive or eaten by a shark?” to more disgusting “Would you rather eat an ounce of your own poop or pop a strangers back and shoulder zits?” Oh yeah…yummy! Every once in awhile they take a moral or ethical route…but usually they are just gross and totally inappropriate. Hours of fun.

Seven hours later we pulled into the beautiful town of Sky Valley Georgia where leaves were in peak season. Too bad it was foggy and rainy…but still you can tell from this photo, that it was picture perfect.

We stayed with my best friend and her family while they were on vacation at a family cabin. It was soooooo wonderful to see her. She lives in Texas and this is only the second time I have seen her in over two years. Ryan went fishing with Emory and the kids the next day and Dikola (yes..that is her name..and no…she is not foreign) got to go into the town of Highland, North Carolina for coffee and to oogle over all the amazing boutiques and furniture stores. This town is perfection to me, so quaint, cozy, and beautiful…I was IN LOVE!!! Coffee with my best friend is pretty much the Shizzznit too!

The hair on these two girls is to die for! Blond highlights for miles and the curls…the curls..it just isn’t fair!

They were determined to get some family photos despite all the rain, so we zoomed around in their van from location to location in the resort jumping out and snapping photos and jumping back in. I say “we” but Chloe and I just stayed in the van and watched Ryan with his jeans rolled like Huck Finn jumping out and shooting them while we stayed dry and watched Charlotte’s Web on the portable DVD player…NICE!

Crazy Coots

We said goodbye to our beloved Braggs and headed East again for an 8 hour trek up to my parents house in Richmond. This is where we said goodbye to Chloe for our first night apart in her first year of life…sniff, sniff. I actually did much better than I thought I would…yeah me! Ryan and I drove another 2 hours towards DC and stayed in a hotel all by our lonesomes. You want to know what we did in the hotel? I bet you do you nosey dirty readers. We did erotic things like play Sudoku and watch the World Series while munching Dunkin Donuts at 10:00PM at night. Oh yeah, we were wild, WILD I tell you. That is how we roll. Actually, it was wonderfully perfect. We went to IKEA and I had to put my drool cup on because I was ready to take out a loan for $10,000 and redecorate our house. Our goal was to look at kids room ideas to give Chloe a “big girl” room in the spring. We stumbled upon some great AFFORDABLE easels and frames to use for our booth at the tradeshow this Saturday and I was thrilled. Oh me likey Ikea, I just hate that it is three hours away.

We spent the rest of the week at “Casa de Parents” sloffing off our kid so we could sleep in, stay up late and eat whatever we wanted. We also spent endless hours playing this:

Old Skool Boggle!

I don’t know how many times I saw the words: tie, tan, foe, toe, wee, pee, are…..after awhile you feel like your eyes are going to burn out of their sockets. But it was fun. I love games…I don’t understand people who don’t. What is with you?

This is where we kept the slave during mealtime.

Chipmunk Cheeks Chloe

On our last day the sun finally broke and we decided to take Chloe to Maymont Park which also has a little petting zoo and luck of the draw, they had a whole Halloween festival going for kids. Here is the problem, Chloe wasn’t in the mood…not in the least. She is the most easy going kid I know and all of a sudden she just clammed up and did a stellar imitation of a savant. My favorite thing is the white girl overbite that she did for 95% of the time. She would not smile or stop sucking in her lip and staring blankly. See for yourself. Can’t you feel the energy and excitement jumping off the screen.

Check out the great rack I saw….Hooters watch out!

A wash and go hair day.

Okay, what is wrong with this photo besides the big white ham hock arm?

Did someone trade my wardrobe with 1992? Is that elastic waisted pants? Well yes they are…not because they are mom jeans, they are actually maternity jeans. We all know what rule #1 is with maternity jeans…..have a long shirt. WHICH I DID HAVE!!! However, everytime I hoisted “fun Chloe” up on my hip my shirt was going up. Did I know this? NO!!!!Should my family have told me? YES!!!!! Should my husband have photographed me? NO!!!!!What in the world, embarrassing!

Let’s turn the tables on my dad. What is wrong with this photo?

That black strap around my dad’s waist is a fanny pack… A FANNY PACK!!! Now that is 1992 in real life. He CHOSE that, I simply had a wardrobe malfunction. Oh dad!

Let’s show a few more photos from the park and call it a day shall we? I am having a hard time going back and forth from writing to watching The Bachelor. That is hard work.

“Oh Chloe, Ladies don’t kiss like that!”

Here is “Queen of Fun” being carried around…we forgot the stroller…not good when she can’t walk yet.

I believe this is the only time we saw emotion the whole day and that was only because the hay was prickly.

There you have it. Aren’t you glad you waited with baited breath for 10 days? This week is insanely crazy too with the trade show, photographing a wedding and Chloe’s b-day on Sunday….shoot me! I am so sick of the pace we are going but the end is so near and it smells sweet! Stay patient with me, blogging is not a priority right now…sorry, but I still love you. Pinky swear.

I almost forgot

Published by Kelly October 23rd, 2007 in Life in General. 3 Comments

I am on vacation…That is capital V, capital A, capital C…oh you get the picture. I meant to put up a post on Saturday but as craziness of having out of town guests and trying to get your house ready to be gone for a week and pack for everyone…well…not so much happening. We are actually in an area that has internet so I thought I would do you the courtesy to let you know not to waste your precious internet reading time checking my blog until next Monday…just another reason to get BLOGLINES or a similar program.

So hold it together while I am gone, I don’t want to come back and stomp out fires, or go to funerals, or counsel anyone.

Ryan and I will continue to rekindle the flame (wink, wink, wink) Ahhhh….yahhhhh!

Peace out.

Bump patrol

Published by Kelly October 17th, 2007 in Adventures in Pregnancy and Porty. 20 Comments

It seems impossible that I could be showing this early. With Chloe, I didn’t show until 14-15 weeks. Here I am at 11.5 weeks.

Let’s see if my rat-ta-tats hold up this time around. OH youthful whims…at least they can be covered.

Can’t really tell too much from the front.

And with clothes on. Looks like a pot-belly. Can’t really tell from the front. notice how I strategically do not show my whole body….can we say APPLE BOTTOM…HOLLA!

See, having a nice camera does not make you a good photographer. My hand was shaking so bad trying to hold my camera out far enough so the lens could focus. I could have waited for Ryan, but what fun is that? It is really cool to be showing so early but then again, HOLY CRAP…what am I going to look like at 8 months, 9 months….my poor 12 inch torso, what shape will you be in the end?

The really cool part is that I have felt the baby kick for the last 3 days. I thought there is NO way this early I am feeling the baby, but I checked with my Ivillage expectancy group and several second time moms have felt movement. So although I am crazy and full of gas…this was not the cause.

Now I am going to invite you into my marriage. Ryan and I will avidly admit we aren’t super romantic. We blame it on our finances because seriously, if Ryan showed up with flowers I would be so happy for about 30 seconds and then I would freak out that he spent $30.00 of grocery money. It isn’t like it isn’t in us and there are lots of little things you can do without money, but on the whole, this isn’t our strongest area. Now I have to say Ryan is the most thoughtful guy I have ever met! He is so in tune on how to help me and is never bothered to do anything for me, ever. It is wonderful, I love this about him.

What we do have is junior high humor! It is sad, you would think the older I get the less appealing middle school humor would be…but no, no, you can’t take the 7th grader out of the 31 year old. One of my favorite things we do is email flirt and write messages on the bathroom mirror (and pictures) We will have to stop the drawings when Chloe gets a little older (wink wink).

Anyway, I was looking through some emails and IM’s that we sent back and forth recently and got giggling, so I thought I would share a few.

From Kelly:

I loved the seriously huge log I was greeted with this morning. Some husbands buy flowers or leave notes and others leave gifts in the toilet. How can one girl be so lucky…swoon? I also enjoyed the smell after I flushed and broke that mother into 500,000,000 pieces….mmmmmmm. Not hard to keep down your cereal after that.

Well I am off to wash my skanky hair, I just chopped a whole bunch more off, I think I will be bald soon. I will think of an equally sweet gift I can leave you today. Maybe puke on your pillow or pee in your shoes…I don’t know, I am just spit balling…we’ll see where the spirit leads.

LOVING YOU!!!! You silly man!

Kel

(Now I told Ryan I would have a disclaimer on this that he only does this when he has the shower going and doesn’t want the water turning cold before he jumps in. He just forgets sometimes to take care of business after the shower…lucky me!)

This is from an email to my friend Amanda “Kickyboots” Brown.

Last night I was teasing Ryan and told him to follow me into the back room and I pointed to my butt and said, “follow the bouncing ball” and we had a major discussion on what sound my butt cheeks make when I walk, if butt cheeks could make a sound. I think we settled on Gah-gong, gah-gong, gah-gong. It is the sound of a brief lift of the cheek and a slamming down into the thigh. Nice huh…that’s what we do for fun.

Iming from separate rooms:

Ryan: your breath smell like poopoo sticks sometimes.

me: I know, and you can tell me and I will brush my teeth
just like you can. It is called a courtesy brush…you should try it.

here is another IM

Ryan: hey sex
what’s poppin’?

5:39 PM me: my name is not sex

5:40 PM Ryan: I know, it’s your middle name!

That’s all I got for now doing a quick search in the archives. I don’t know, maybe we are romantic it is just a “different” kinda romance than is traditionally taught. Hey, it works for us!

It’s beginning to look a lot like FAAA—AALLLLLL!

Published by Kelly October 14th, 2007 in Adventures in Pregnancy and Chloe Grace. 32 Comments

(WARNING…LOTS and LOTS OF PHOTOS)

Finally… sweaters, jeans, close toed shoes, socks, jackets….no need to wash your hair because you can wear fun wool hats. Now that’s what I’m talking about! I love this weather, the crisp mornings and mild afternoons. The leaves are just about to turn their glorious fall hues and I am all about it! Last year almost to the day, we took these babies.

A casual stroll through the cemetery with Chloe resting nicely on my pubic bone only days away from her grand arrival.

I am glad to be experiencing this pregnancy through opposite seasons, yet still avoiding the summer with third trimester…YES….fist pump.

I am just about to show my bump. It isn’t fully formed enough to take a picture and let’s just say I am not as anxious about showing my stomach off either….farewell six pack of yesteryear. I will happy to get out of this phase, the “suck it in honey” phase.

Because I have absolutely zero to talk about of interest due to the fact that I have edited nearly 2000 pictures over the last 2 weeks….I will just give you some Chloe eye candy. Is there such thing as Mouse Wrist Disease? I am pretty sure I have it. My hand is so cramped and sore from editing that my thumb keeps spasming. Feel sorry for me yet? I tell you what, I feel like I am falling apart. I have always felt like an 80 year old was trapped inside of me and I really feel it these last few weeks. Pathetic.

Let’s start out with my hair. This…by no means…is a dream do…it is a “this will make do….do” This was the inspiration for the hair color.

Ah yes, Kate Beckinsale….my twin. Don’t believe me. Look at this stunning resemblance.

I know, I know…it is uncanny. Kate, Kelly, Kelly, Kate…who is to say? Actually, I ruined this little photo comparison by cutting off half the picture of her. In the whole picture she has both shoulders exposed and her hand is up on her chest, like I did. However… I didn’t realize I cut her off till after I took the picture and put it online and I am far too lazy to go through the process again for the sake of a bad joke.

So here are my complaints.
A- My hair color looks nothing like the picture.
B- This is due to the fact that I go to a place called “Just a Cuttin”….so you can imagine the bargain I get on a color and cut.
C- The hair cut took away at least 5 inches off the bottom, but….there is nothing really edgy about the cut. It is basically my old style just shorter on the bottom

SO……at least I don’t have regrowth, but my hair looks a bit frosted in these pictures instead of “colored”. I am still trying to figure out how to better style this. I even took the scissors and hacked another inch off my layers and I think I need to just keep doing that till I get what I want. Someday I will have the dough to go to a really good salon and get a killer cut and color. Someday…..

So onto Chloe. I will call this next montage, “Cooking with Chloe”

Welcome to her kitchen….

Picking out the right cookbook is essential to a delicious dinner

Oh yes…this is the one…Italian!

Oh man, oh man….meatballs…yes, that is the ticket.

In her best Italian accent…” a spicy meat-tah-ball-ah”

Chloe I hate to break it to you, we are out of meat.

Can you forgive mommy for being a big disappointment in your life?

You’re the best.
Let’s go outside and play.

she looks a little googley eyed in this one. Don’t you love the can of tire spray in the background….classy!

“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife.” Name that movie

In other earth shattering news. We bought our first couch. Yes, you heard me right. When we got married I only owned a love seat because of the apartment I was in had a hairpin turn in the staircase so you couldn’t fit a full size couch up it. Believe me, I tried and I had to promptly return it to the store and buy a love seat instead. So we have only had comfortable seating for two for two years. Sad. Ryan was forced to sleep on this little number several times once he was banished from the bedroom for snoring.
Look at this…pitiful. This was actually the day after we came home from the hospital with Chloe and he had to work a 1/2 day. So tired he fell asleep like this.