Wow guys, is that what I have to do to get so many of you to open up and share…get knocked up? Well don’t expect this next year… What an awesome response. Now you have set the bar high, 53 comments are you crapping me? Love it!
Seriously, you can not imagine how many phone calls, emails and of course comments that have been flooding in over the last three days. Please be patient if you sent me an email. I am notoriously bad about returning emails, right Amanda? I will eventually. I knew I wasn’t alone, that was never my fear, it is more I needed to be honest with myself and with you guys about this situation. I guess that is what shock does. Everyday has gotten easier and less emotional.
I went on a walk this morning with Chloe down at Black Water Creek. It was a very crisp, cool morning with gorgeous blue skies. It was actually a good thing that Candace and I missed each other because I think this was my time to hash things out with God. I literally prayed aloud the whole 45 minutes I pushed Chloe. I am sure from a distance I looked like either a total schizo talking to themselves or a fantastically detailed mom who couldn’t stop pointing out every rock, twig, and leaf along the path.
In actuality, I just laid out every fear or sadness I had regarding this pregnancy. I then asked God to show me what the real “truth” was. Meaning, if I say I am afraid we can’t afford it, what is true about that statement? Well, seeing as I base things on the Bible and God promises that he will feed the birds of the air, then surely he will feed, cloth, and shelter our family. So we can’t take big vacations or eat at restaurants for a few years….God forbid we stay home and be a family. The rewards far outweigh the sacrifice. WE didn’t think we could make it with Chloe when our income took a 50% hit….but look at us…cue “Survivor” (Destiny’s Child). I just kept going down the line, my heartache over my time being cut short with Chloe, our house, me handling two little ones at the same time, etc….As I brought each one before the Lord and talked bluntly about it, God answered my heart by reminding me who He is and what He has promised to do. That’s what I love about God, he is my best bud.
I think about my life. I was totally one of those girls who wanted to get married as soon as I figured out boys were cute. So like forever! I thought getting married out of college was about as long as anyone should have to bear being single…I mean good lord, 22 and SINGLE? How awful. I was engaged when I was 21 and we called it off half way through my senior year. I thought I was going to die… graduate and then just work? That was like a prison sentence. Truth be told, I wasn’t close to a place where I would even be a good wife. I was selfish, idealistic, narrow minded, and a tad screwed up…if you know what I mean! I like to think of myself as having a five piece luggage set of mental/emotional baggage. God knew…as he always does, that I needed my 20’s to work some “stuff” out. I also had the privilege of traveling the globe which was where I really had the most growth spurts. I could have never done all of that being married or with kids.
Did I ever plan on falling in love and getting married at 29? I mean I was half way in the grave and way off the market by then…or so I thought. 29 was PERFECT! Ryan was/is PERFECT for me. My five piece baggage set was just a neat little carry on bag by then…cuz let’s be honest, nobody can deal with ALL their crap, that is what makes life….life. Had I pushed through and gotten married at 21, I know and it is sad to say, I would have been divorced. I so desperately had a “plan” and it was perfect in my eyes…but God knew better. Thank you Lord for sparing me such heartache.
So thinking back through all that today, going a few rounds with God while walking through the wonder of His creation, and coming home and journaling a bit…..I feel lifted, I feel surrendered to this process. Am I doing cartwheels? No…the joy and excitement will come. I want it to be genuine, not manufactured because I am a “mom” and don’t all moms HAVE to love their kid? Come off it. I know this baby was meant for us and that is exciting. Getting pregnant is a miraculous thing, seriously, the odds of things happening in a 48 hour period, once a month…..UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE. How can I not believe this is our appointed child. A child that will enrich our marriage, our family, and expand our hearts to an unfathomable depth. Yup, things are getting better. Thanks you guys.
Oh…many of you asked about Ryan….how’s the babby daddy taking it. Well if you know Ryan then you know his happy face and his sad face look the same…his excited tone and his upset tone sound the same….he is STEADY EDDIE. Of course he was really shaken the first day, I mean he has to bring home the bacon, I can’t be walking the streets like I used to turning tricks….kidding…he is calm as a cucumber, excited, and most definitely a healing balm to be around. He rocks.
i’m glad to hear you’re giving yourself time to feel it all out.
is ryan doing cartwheels?
i know you guys will in due time (no pun intended!!)
I’m #3 on the way to 53 comments again
I’m so glad that you had good time with The Man. It always helps.
Peace be with you.
Kelly, I’m one of your closet readers, but a friend of Heather Hammond’s. But I just wanted to take a minute to speak up now and tell you how amazingly blessed I’ve been by your last two posts. This honesty — still mingled with your characteristic humor — is pure goodness. I’m excited by what the Lord is doing in you and your family!
By the way, if you ever decided to write a book, I would TOTALLY read it!
Wow! That was fast! Already getting to the part where you dig down inside yourself and discover the true strength a woman holds. These are the times you find out what you’re made of and just how cool you are inside and that God has known all along! These are the memories that you look back on when you’re old and you are proud of… the ones that make you feel that you have lived well and stepped up when called. Too many weak people these days…hurrah for you warrior girl!
“You knit me in my mother’s womb.”
I can’t wait to see who’s being crafted in there!
It’s overwhelming yes.
It’s hardwork, yes.
It’s all worth it.
I wish you many blessings & a fantastic pregnancy!!!
Settling in and trusting. Pretty soon You’ll be enjoying. Just keep on keeping like you are. My girls are only 18 months apart. It’s been an amazing journey to watch their relationship blossom
So stinkin’ excited for you!! This is going to be a wonderful journey/experience not to mention a HUGE blessing!! Big Congrats!!
Congratulations! I got surprise knocked up with #2 when my baby was 10 months old. I didn’t find out until the next month, and due to timing, my girls are 20 months apart. I won’t lie to you sister, the first 8 months were TOUGH. HARD. But my best advice to you is don’t stress out. I spent the entire pregnancy worrying about prematurely ending my “baby’s” babyhood. I didn’t sleep well. Guess what, I had a colicky baby who didn’t sleep for more than 3 hrs for the first 17 months of her life. They say if your body is full of stress hormone your baby comes out colicky. So RELAX. What is done is done, what will be will be. By the time my little baby was a year, they were and still are best friends. Check out my website. See the pictures. Life is very good. We didn’t have to entertain them, they played together. All of the time. Car rides are cake. It’s ALL GOOD. Having them this close in age, your oldest won’t remember a time when she was all alone. It’s ALL going to great. I promise. Feel free to email me if you want and congratulations!
Survivor is the greatest band ever!
balm is a funny word. lip balm… balm of gilead… balm.
balm.
balm.
balm.
I love your honesty and am so glad that you got that time to hash things out with God! I can just picture you walking and pushing the stroller and talking and talking and talking. I have so done that and jumped when someone walked up behind me!
My boys are 20 months apart and I love it. We didn’t plan it, but now that they are 3 and 18 months, I wouldn’t change it. Course, I can’t change it and I wouldn’t have changed it in the beginning either, now I am rambling.
I am excited to follow you through this pregnancy!
Sweet and genuine post, Kelly! I’m glad we get to take this journey with you. Thanks for being so open and sharing!
(btw, those cutie jeans Chloe has on with the stinkin’ huge cuff…did you do the cuff or did you buy them? CUZ Lydia NEEDS those!)
Isn’t it amazing what God will say to you when you are open to hearing Him? Being in creation on a beautiful day always makes me feel close, too.
kelly-i just wanted to tell you how excited i am to follow this pregn. of yours. you were so adorable pregn. the pic of you in that white sweater and the pic of the painted belly…2nd time around will be even better. congrats. god thinks you are a fantastic mommy!
Healing balm…perfect way to describe a steady eddie husband.
Ditto on the book! That could solve the income problem!
I’ve been away and just read your two latest posts
Congratulations to you, Ryan & Chloe on the news. Life never does seem to go to plan but everything happens for a reason and sometimes makes us stronger for it.
all the best for a healthy & happy pregnancy, can’t wait to watch your next journey xx
Take a deep breath (it does always seem to help)! It sounds like you are coming to terms with this, while it might not be great timing, this is wonderful time to start a new life. And, whenever, you are ready to hear it - CONGRATULATIONS!
Great post. One of the mum’s at school (I’m a teacher) was pregnant with her fourth and all her other children were older at school, 2 nearly at high school. Boy, was she miserable in her pregnancy. To begin with I kept saying things like ‘You’ll be fine.’ ‘You’ll adore the baby when it arrives.’ ‘Big families are great, I wish I had more siblings.’ She was so vehement when you said encouraging things…’Not this time’ was her answer to most of my attempts to be cheerful, encouraging whatever. I actually started to feel worried for her because she really seemed so very unhappy - miserable even. I don’t think finances were as much of a concern as spreading herself a bit thin across four kids and a husband (I think he needs lots of attention from what I have heard - don’t most men?), I think being in her forties too she was worried about how it would go health wise. Anyway, skip ahead to the happy ending…she adores her little girl (like we didn’t see it coming)and her older kids have got so much out of the experience. They are big gangly teenagers totally in love with their little sister and so sweet with her. I’m nearly getting to the point.
Point being…yes you might feel lousy now but you will adore this child and you will see nothing but good lessons for Chloe when it arrives. The old adage ‘The best thing you can give your child is a sibling’ is the absolute truth.
I love reading your posts Kelly, you are so very honest.
Thinking of you from Perth, Australia.
Hi Kel-So glad you are taking this one day at a time and really leaning on God. Isn’t it so reassuring that we can cast all our cares on HIM. I find such rest in knowing we can tell him ALL our fears and He will listen and not judge us, but only take care of us.
Every time Abel and I take walks, I too talk to the Lord. I find it so much easier when we get out in the fresh air and I see His beauty all around me. Without thinking I soon start talking aloud and I’m sure others around me think I am crazy!
Can steady Eddie come out and play? Way to be Boss!
you know, children ARE a part of god’s blessings! i think of it as he’s still paying attention to us and is still around.
my girls are 19 months apart. they are the worst of friends and the best of friends but i know, they will always have each other. i’m am very comforted by this knowledge.
being that i’m an only child, i find your news, the best news of all.
i REALLY hated being an only child.