I have managed to go until almost the end of the year without buying a school lunch. This is for two reasons: They are nasty and they cost money. Recently, I have found myself checking out the lunches passing me by during my lunch duty and I am beginning to crave the fake meat, instant mashed potatoes and canned peaches. I have bought a school lunch 2-3 times a week over the last few weeks. Want to know my favorite part….those little cartons of milk! I mean why? They actually have a slight cardboard taste….but it tastes good to me. I chug the whole carton at once like I am in a beer bong contest. Maybe I am calcium deficient and I don’t know it…but I love the skim milk! I know my food radar is way off and this is not the real Kelly making diet decisions. I am hoping this is a phase…but for now, I will enjoy my processed chicken bits “chicken patty” with mayonnaise that is slightly yellow…..mmmmmmmm…..so good!
Now don’t get freaked out that I am feeding my baby crap. This is a recent phase. I do well in the mornings, today I had Kashi, with fresh strawberries and soy milk and I cut up a fresh pineapple for a snack today. Lunch just seems to be my kryptonite for eating junk. My first weigh in is in 2 weeks…I will be 10.5 weeks by then….that will be my reality check.
Archive for March, 2006
It is time to get back to blogging. I have to admit I have enjoyed the time away. Life has been more than interesting and I could probably write 10 different posts on the last week…but I won’t.
Last week so many wonderful things happened in such a short time I felt overwhelmed with goodness. I was one weepy mother. Those of you in our inner world know that financially and automobile-ically this has not been a crowning year (2005 that is). Last Saturday, Ryan and I got our taxes done…first time as a married couple…and we got a sweet return! It felt so good to know there was some much needed money coming in to help with bills. We also got our new ride (Wanda the Honda 1994 sweetness) registered, insured and detailed. WE haven’t sold the VW yet, but we desperately needed a second car on the road because Ryan got his stinking license back!!!! I will not go into that story it is too painful for me. So let me review the list: license-check, car crap taken care of on the Honda-check, taxes done and money coming in-check, a healthy, growing baby-check, and Ryan got a new job-CHECK!
All these events happened within 3 days of each other. This new job is perfect for him. It is going to challenge him in his craft, pay significantly more than his old job and the benefits are awesome to help us out with the wee-one inside. This could not come at a better time. The thought of one income after August has us both in a sweat. We can pay bills just fine, but the enormous debt we have between us….THANK YOU STUDENT LOANS and our wedding on a VISA….we were not sure how we were going ot meet our financial goals. After taking Crown financial study in the fall, we have diligently been working on a plan to get debt free. It feels so good to work together on this and with the extra projects Ryan picks up and our photography…God is slowly helping us chip away at our debt to society.
Now I know that getting blessings doesn’t mean you are any more or any less in God’s favor, I just feel like God is letting us rest in him right now and it feels good and rejuvenating. Last year was a very very hard year, especially for Ryan. Of course we did get engaged and married last year which was the BEST part…but we went through some massive life lessons that stretched both of us individually and together. We have the best house church that walked through all the trials from Jan-December and never stopped praying for and encouraging us. I just have an overflowing thankful spirit right now and a perpetually goofy grin as I think back over the last 18 months and all God has done, taken us through, taught us, and blessed us with. My life is so rich!
So this blog is just a big fat shoutout to the Lord for being who he says he is….for loving Ryan and I with such an intimate passion and for giving us the most incredible friends in the world.
Wow, where to begin. The last 8 days of Ryan and my life have been like a dream. For those of you who have been on the journey with us, this beginning part is a repeat, for those who did not hear, this is the story. There is no offense to those who may not have heard, we kept a very low profile all last week.
It started last Sunday, March 12th. I went to the bathroom like usual and instead of urine I had blood. Not to be graphic, but it was very dark brownish/red blood. This signifies “old blood” that has lost it’s hemoglobin…either way…pink, red or brown…IT WAS BLOOD!!!! To say I freaked out would be a minor understatement. Thank goodness my mom and dad were visiting that weekend. I came out and showed my mom and Ryan and then sat in a heap of tears and fear. Bleeding is never a good sign in pregnancy, especially early pregnancy. I immediately called the emergency line for my OB. I got a call back about 10 minutes later from one of the most curt doctors in the practice at Women’s Health Center. She basically said that it sounded like I was miscarrying and I had the option of passing the baby at home or if the bleeding got too heavy to call her and I could meet her at out patient. She said there was nothing she could do for me but let life take it’s course. I was in shock when I got off the phone. I wasn’t bleeding hard, but everytime I went to the bathroom there was blood. My normal cramping started to increase to hours on end. The rest of the day was like a bad dream…I had to wait until the next morning to try and get an emergency appt. at the OB to get an ultrasound to see if the baby was inside.
The next day my mom, Ryan and I showed up as the doors were opening to get an appt. We only had to wait about an hour before getting an ultrasound. The good news was there was an yoke sac in my uterus, so we knew this was not ectopic…but there was no baby inside. Once the doctor looked over the ultrasound pictures he said very ominously…..”We Should be able to see a baby by this point, but there are times that you can’t. I can’t tell you why you are bleeding, many times there is no reason at all. Basically, I am giving you a 50/50 chance that you are miscarrying.” He told me to come back the following Monday….SEVEN DAYS LATER!!!! It was horrible. No answer, no baby visible….nothing.
OF course I sought out to find an answer, explanation…something to grab onto. No matter what I read, I could find something hopeful and on the next page disprove the sign. Brown blood isn’t bad…..no, brown blood indicates these kinds of miscarriages. Still feeling pregnancy signs is good, your progesterone is still high….no….if you miscarry you can have pregnancy signs for days, weeks even a month as the hormones slowly leave the body. There was nothing to hold onto in the way of hope. This led to the most amazing week with the Lord and with Ryan that I think I have ever had.
God was SO real, SO comforting, and SO peaceful. Because there was absolutely no explanation for what was going on, I was forced to digest as much scripture, worship music, and prayer time as I could. It was a battle of anxiety versus peace. Ryan and I experienced a whole new realm of praying together, crying together and hoping together. It was awesome. I have to say…Ryan was so confident that the outcome would be positive despite the way my body was going absolutely coo-coo all week. Ryan found the most incredible scripture that we both held onto this week. I Peter 1:8- “Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.”
Sunday night a group of my girlfriends came over to pray over me and the baby. It was powerful and amazing to be surrounded by so many wonderful friends.
Yesterday was nervewracking. My IBS was in overdrive!!!! My mom came back into town about an hour before the appt. We all went back into the ultrasound room with the same technician. The second the “magic wand” was inside on the uterus we all knew. The technician said, “There is your baby.” I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. I could not stop saying “Praise Jesus, praise Jesus, praise Jesus.” We all were in tears, awe, and had hearts overflowing with thanksgiving, even the technician started crying. The moment was too awesome for words. We had all prayed that not only we would be able to see the baby this time, but that we would see the heartbeat. Wouldn’t you know it….a little tiny heart was beating away on the screen. She even let us listen to the heartbeat. IT WAS AWESOME!!!! Without further ado…here is our first baby pics:
When we went to speak with the doctor afterwards. AS soon as he walked in the door he said, “You got your miracle baby!” He then told me that he had downplayed everything last week because he really felt there was no baby and that it was the end for us. He told us that all our prayers came true. It was such a testimony to God’s power. I had a completely empty womb last week and in just 7 days a perfectly sized baby with a heartbeat was on the screen. It is amazing.
Unfortunately, I am still bleeding. It was obvious on the ultrasound that there is a dark spot on the opposite side of my uterus from the baby. He thinks this is where the baby originially implanted which typically heals right up but my hole filled up with blood and “scabbed” over. Something ruptured it last week and it is slowly disappating. We have to keep an eye on it and pray it clears up because if it flares up it could endanger the baby. On a really positive note, the doctor also said,” Once you see a baby on the ultrasound, see a heartbeat and the baby measures correctly, your chances of miscarriage go down to almost nothing.” PRAISE GOD!!!!
So what did we learn or what didn’t we learn is the better question:
- God is powerful, miraculous, and gracious
- Not having human answers is the best way to increase faith in the living God
- God is the author and sustainer of life…no doctor can change that
- Ryan and I learned the ultimate parental lesson…THIS IS NOT OUR BABY…THIS IS GOD’s…HE WILL DECIDE EVERYTHING FOR THIS CHILD, NOT US.
- Ryan is the most amazing husband and support system I could ever have hoped for.
- Pregnancy is a miracle from start to finish!
- God is good and he never left my side for one moment.
As agonizing and painful this last week was…I wouldn’t trade it for anything. God increased our faith and stretched us to the point of almost breaking. I know so many people have lost children through miscarriage and we knew God would get us through that if that were the outcome, but for some reason he decided to sustain this life and we are forever grateful. Thank you all for your unceasing prayers, emails, calls and for just coming over and letting me sob. (Candace 
Jesus is who He says He is.
I was trying my hand at illiteration for the title. Well today marks seven months for Ryan and I. I cannot believe that is all we’ve been married. It actually seems much longer, not in the bad sense of “holy cow marriage is boring and long”….more like….”I don’t know life without Ryan…has it only been 7 months?”
Seven months….lets recap my seven favorite things since August 7, 2005.
1- We adopted a demon/hyper puppy, Charlotte, 6 weeks after getting married.
2-We started our first business together: Kellan Studios
3-I have now learned how to seduce Ryan through several meals new to my repitoire. I can’t get enough of “Baby that was awesome!”
4-My absolute favorite talks and goofiness happen on lazy Saturday mornings with him.
5-We host really, really well together, he is the ying to my yang of cooking, cleaning and entertaining. I always prayed for a husband who enjoyed having our house open to anyone.
6-I missed his snoring the one night we were apart.
7-There is NOBODY in this world I want to be my baby’s daddy…than Ryan. You are going to be amazing Ry!
Thank you all who traveled down to be apart of the festivities 7 months ago. That was one of the best weekends of my life. We are blessed with the best family and friends ever! If we didn’t milk you for wedding gifts and money in August….keep your wallets open for November! We will get you comin and goin….I am a Portnoy!
Emotional Outbreaks, Nausea, and Fatigue
Published by March 6th, 2006 in Adventures in Pregnancy. 5 CommentsI know, what a wuss I am! This baby has definitely made its presence known in my body. Not a moment goes by that I am not “aware” that I am carrying someone else. It is such a cool thing, but then again, I just feel sick…no belly, no fun maternity clothes….just feels like I have a bug of some sort. I feel like I am thinking about this baby 24-7. I don’t know how not to think about it, read more information, look on-line, talk to Ryan or others. I feel like I have been swept into a secret society I never knew existed with a serious hazing ritual of nasea morning and night.
Thursday, after work, I pretty much crawled through our front door and plopped on the couch. I felt like I had had a couple of beers…seriously, you know when you take too much cold or allergy medicine…you feel out of your mind and body. I put the movie “A Walk to Remember” in. I have seen this movie one other time so I knew the ending…yet, somehow when the credits were rolling, I looked over at Ryan and the words “Ry, I think the dam is about to burst.” came out of my mouth. The problem is, the word “burst” never came out because I explosively began sobbing. Not a pretty trickle. This was full on snotty nose, heeving breaths, loud crying. My eyes looked like two golfballs. This whole production went on for at least 10 minutes straight. Ryan was awesome, he just laid on the bed with me and let me cry it out. It wasn’t sadness, just overwhelming joy, reality, and hope. At least that is what I think it was. It was so random and so aggressive I COULD NOT STOP. Everytime I tried to get myself together I took off again for a few more minutes. I thought I had gotten it all out, but the next night I was home after school, equally as tired, and was checking email. Out of the blue I exploded again. Ryan and Candace were online so I threw out my distress signal….HELP….my emotions are freaking out right now. Ryan was unable to do much via iming…..Candace saw a fellow preggers in distress and called to talk me through it. As soon as I answered the phone through heeves and snot sucking I managed “You (breath, breath) are NOT (breath, breath) going to un (breath) der (breath) stand (breath) me.” 10 more minutes of sobbing finally ended in one relieved sigh. I was exhausted by the end. I read one of the signs of the 1st trimester is “weepiness”. Weepiness to me sounds like a really pretty trickle down your face when you see a diaper ad. This is nothing like weepiness.
I am praying these explosive emotional outburst stay clear of school. I don’t think my kids could handle it and I would be so embarrassed. Lunch duty is getting tough as I have to endure smells like sausage biscuits, meatloaf, burritos and other such delictable items. I already hated it before, now I seriously loathe it!
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