It is true…you marry the family. In my case this is usually a great thing. I have a new mom and dad who would do anything for Ryan and I. I also inherited a butt-load of siblings. First there is Danny-the oldest, Meri- the only girl, Her husband Pat….my kindred because we married into this family, Joey-the other freakishly tall brother, and Sammy- the military bro. Family time is similar to my own family…just louder and more stories. This is the pearls of wisdom I now know because of my new family:
1- I have been pronouncing things wrong my whole life. Thanks to Artie I now know that the name Mark is Mahk and party is pahty. Thanks to Patty, I now know how to pronounce saw….it is sawr. I thought the “r” was silent…but it isn’t. The pure mother tongue of Boston has shown me a new way of either ommiting the “r” or adding it onto words. BRILLIANT! I mean wicked cool!
2-It is possible to have a sword fight while peeing next to your brother. I have no comprehension of this being a girl. Apparently Ryan and Dan, when they were little, would pretend to be Star Wars characters and have light saber fights with their pee in the toilet. Now that is ingenious if you can’t afford toys for your kids. Fill them up with water and send them in the bathroom!
3- I thought I was funny, but I am wrong. I am not funny nor a good story teller. I RARELY interject a story around these boys. I can not come close to being as funny as they all are. Every once in awhile I will get a good zinger in there, but mostly I laugh like a junior high girl and fully expose the horse laugh (see post below). That is my roll around the table….laugh until I cry.
4-It is possible to have problems with your mouth and tongue when you are a kid and then grow up to make radio spots on the largest satellite radio station in the country. Way to go Joe, you beat all the odds…you and that sexy voice of yours!
5-You are responsible for your own poop in the Portnoy family. When Ryan was little he couldn’t hold it one day so he pooped in his friends yard. Patty, knowing the polite thing to do…sent him back to pick up his poop on a shovel and bring it home and bury it. Ryan, I am not sure if you wanted people to know that, but that is funny stuff!
6-I have learned the difference between poo and poop. Poo is wet, poop is dry. ( I realize my blog has turned PG lately with all this talk of feces….but I am sorry, poop is funny to me and always will be)
7-You are not a true Portnoy unless you have a nickname: Meridyth: Bucky Four Eyes with Radio Reception takes the cake.
8-Using the phrases “I’m just saying” and “Don’t be a Boces” gets funnier everytime I hear them (sorry Dar).
9-Licking shoes for money is a legitimate profession according to Sam.
10-Dan has shown me a new twist on an old story about a man suspended in a bubble who just wants to find a good church. Prank calls are an artform in this family.
There are many more, those are just some of my favorites. There is never a dull moment.
The newest Portnoy.
you always have me in stiches! that picture is OUT OF CONTROL! WOW. that’s all i’ve got to say. WOW. love the portnoyisms. i’m sure they are going to love this post. i’ll be back.. i want to hear from the boyz.. love you kel.
That picture rocks my world.
memories…in the corners of my mind. i can’t wait until you have kids. poop stories never get old. i forgot about ryan’s poop story. we only had one toilet for 7 people, so we had to go when we could (see previous comment in previous post).
that picture is my worst nightmare. the broken arm… i broke it doing corner to corner cartwheels in the front yard pretending i was an olympic gymnast…
here’s to the many more wicked awesome stories… welcome home, kel…
when did we stop playing star wars when we peed? that was awesome! ryan, dan, and sam, next time we’re together, let’s have a sword fight. i’m going to be C-3PeeO.
i would just like to modify #4… it’s THE WORLD!!! the largest satellite radio service in the WORLD!!!
i’m just sayin’
when i was writing my comment, i meant to write ‘memories…in the corners of my mind…for a reason.’ it was late and i was tired and forgot. i’m not so much with quickness as the boyz. i’m just saying.
C3Pee0 - very nice. kelly…we are not coming up with our own twisted take on this story. you hear me? one of them (you know who you are) tried to get me to play once… i don’t think he knew girls were different. his exact words were… “you pee out your butt??”
Meridyth….that is hilarious! You will have to email me and let me know which one of these numb nuts asked you to do that! Fantastic. Way to take all my railing with a grain of salt.
i never took offense to the word “bocee” or “botard” until i started working here. and it’s hilarious that they still use that. if someone called me a bocee - i’d say - thank you very much.
and i’ve had many a poop conversation but i never knew the poo/poop distinction. thanks for that.
and i say “i’m just saying” all the time but i don’t remember saying it back in the day. must be some sort of delayed portnoy influence or something.
oh and we’ve had this discussion before…who made the portnoy family cool? ask joe or ryan. haha. miss all you guys.
Kel, you have the amazing ability to paint hilarious pictures with words! Your new family sounds like a blast to be a part of! I too will be back to hear more of the ‘portnoyisms’
Oh, yea….poo/poop stories are funny….bathroom humor runs in my fam as well.
With that picture, I guess I need to fess up to my native american roots; that I’m a half breed - Mullet-ta tow. I’ll be honest I was stuck between “KELLY IS DEAD TO ME” and “What a great hair cut for an awkward time of life….” For the record, C-3PEEO is genius.
Dan, compared to Meridyth and Sam’s five head…you were looking AWESOME! Don’t forget your roots….Boston and upstate NY…the mullet was experimented with on most boys….this picture is classic! I could not help myself…forgive me.
Hey you know Ryan’s star wars game hasn’t just stayed in the family…
But seriously… “That crap is funny… I don’t care who you are.”
Danno, nice hair, gottta bring that back man. MULLETS ROCK!
I think it is time to put me in the home. It was tough enough raising this family, now I must re-live it!
Just ask Ryan about cutting up green beans in a size he could just swallow ’cause he hated them. Oh but that is a tale for another day.
It’s saw hauses, Kelly, and you add r to anything that ends in “A” (Brender for Brenda) It’s hard learning a new language.
so now that mom has commented let’s relive how she never seemed to bring us to the hospital for stitches at the right time.
i have a HUGE scar on my left leg that i got from a wire that was hanging out of a seat of a friend’s van as we were trick or treating one year. it hurt like crazy but i think the pain was lessened because of all the sugar that was running through me.
when we got back to the house, i pulled up my pant leg to see bllood galore. i showed my mom and she said, “it doesn’t look that bad, just get a band-aid.”
the day i slipped on some books on meridyth’s bed as i was trying to get “my buddy” and a tooth flew out of my mouth, mom immediatley brought me to the hospital thinking i needed stitches. no stitches.
she really did raise us well.
Families’ are great and I’m convinced there has to be a lot of laughter and I mean aaa llootttt. But will you please stop talking about POOP.
I can hardly stand that picture pooping (oops, I mean popping) up on my screen when I click on your blog! It is ridiculous…and yet I can’t look away…
ok Joe is right. Ryan has a scar on his head from running into a stamp machine in the convienient store at the corner. It was a little cut, I watched his eyes for a concussion all afternoon. A couple of months later I took him to the Dr. for a huge cut on his leg and the Dr. said no stiches to the leg but why didn’t I bring him in for he cut on his head. Facial cuts and deep wounds get stitches I guess. I’m so sorry for your scars both external and internal.
I always said the person who folds your underwear has all the power!
Joe,
You can be c3Pee0 if I can be R2D#2
Hey Kelly, here ah some more Bawston werds for ya.
Doctuh, loyyuh, hahd, watah, Rahveer (Revere), Wusstah (Worcester), and my favorite, wicked pissah.
Dan, you can be OPee-Wan Kanobe.
Sam, you can be Chubaca-ca.
Kelly, you can be Peerincess Leah, if you want to.
I’ll be Hans So-low-to-the-seat. (If we’re gonna play, I’m gonna sit.)
ok… i take that back. i don’t want to play.
Joe.. you’re funny… like meri knows how to read. Books on the bed come on, who are you trying to kid? Also is it a new low when you have to by your friends (my friends they told me!) and then he doesn’t even get a real name, just my buddy.