I am sitting here on my planning period at school, staring at a blank blog post thinking “I have nothing profound, humorous, or interesting to type…..why?” It isn’t like life is boring right now, on the contrary, there is just nothing pressing on my heart. Is this a bad thing or a good thing?
I spent about a decade in deep, pensive, critical thought. I was the ANALYTICAL QUEEN: ripping apart wounds of my past, dissecting crappy decisions I have made, and evaluating the state of my heart. There is not a Christian self-help book that I have not read. I was paralyzed by so many hurts that were inflicted on me or self imposed that I could not turn into the Kelly I was designed to be. This new found freedom in Christ has set me free from the inner turmoil I seemed to wallow in. Lately, I feel like a simpleton because I don’t really stew on things anymore. I feel void of deep thought. It is not to say that I still don’t struggle with being critical or a perfectionist….I just don’t feel bound by analytical thought any more. What a cool, tangible marker of God’s redemption. On the flip side, I have also realized that I don’t journal or read anymore and I have gotten extremely lazy in my devotional life. I am not being challenged to press on into further knowledge of my creator either. Not cool.
Is this the lukewarm place Christ warned about or is this a gift to my heart and mind to finally rest? Where is the balance? I am not actively engaging in sin but I am also not putting my zeal for life, travel, missions, and art into practice either. What am I doing with my time and money? Have I been so conditioned to be a “doer” that I don’t know how to rest? Am I starting to over think this?
Anyhow…this is my question to my self today. Am I living IN the fullness of Christ or am I simply standing in His shadow benefiting from the cool relief?
asking IS growing…
You know I’m not one to wonder the great mysteries of life, but I think it’s safe to say that you are finally at a place where your heart can rest. Not that you shouldn’t be striving to grow and deepen your relationship with Christ, but don’t over-analyze this new found freedom and place of relief. I think it’s great you’re becoming the Kelly that God wants you to be, and it’s so awesome that you’re actively seeking it, not just hoping it’ll happen. You may always be a *doer*, but always embrace these times where you can just rest in God’s arms and refresh your spirit.
Love ya!
I don’t know this Candace girl.. HI Candace :)-….but I think she’s got it about right Kelly. You of all people I do not think will ever fall into a complacent and “lukeworm” lifestyle. Think back just six months and look at how hectic and busy you were with school, wedding planning, first year teaching. You so badly wanted and needed a break and now you have one. I”m sure you’re still busy, all teachers and wives are busy, but just be thankful to have a time in life where you feel emotionally and soulfully rested. Miss you and love you girl! I love to hear that there are people who care so much about themselves to ask these kinds of questions-Thanks!
well… I think it’s ryan’s influence. he’s a lazy no good bum of a man.
er… boy.
SNAP!!! (that was for you ry)
kelly. i love the honesty… i’ve been feeling a lot of the same my self. Thanks for sharing. Lets get some more of that up on the internet. i love your heart. I’m so thankful for you in my life!
Wow! Kelly, thank you for sharing your heart! Not to jump on the band wagon…but I have been experienceing a similar analysis of rest vs. laziness. I’m not sure of the answer, but I am glad to know how I can pray for you. You are a great blessing to me; hearing about your life this past weekend encouraged me to dream again. Thanks for living life to the glory of God!
Karen
I hear ya, girlie. I’ve been feeling a bit of the same lately, too… “Resting” in Christ, but feeling guilty for not desperately pushing into him… Hmmm… I think Candace and Holli are right. I’m sure Jesus is happy to have you home and have you enjoying the blessings he’s surrounded you with.
p.s. Boo on ANOTHER snow day! Sheesh!!
Kelly, I could have written some of your post. I have been asking myself some of the same questions. Enjoy the rest and peace!